Cape Buffalo Are Remorseless Machines of Vengeance


The Cape buffalo is a large herbivore that roams the African grasslands. Its most distinctive feature is its fused horns, which form a solid bone shield across the forehead and look not unlike a Wild West bartender's haircut. Cape buffalo spend most of their day lying around, eating grass and drinking water. You know, normal cow stuff. That cows do. Because they're cows.
"Moo, I suppose."

They also fucking murder everything that even thinks of messing with them.

Wait, What?

The Cape buffalo has many names. Names such as "Black Death" and "Widowmaker." It is, in fact, the most dangerous member of the "Big Five" of Africa. The other four members? Lion, leopard, rhino and elephant. This means Cape buffalo are officially deadlier than two big cat predators, a notoriously grumpy horned monster and the largest goddamn land mammal on Earth. Hell, even lions usually dare only attack old or sick ones, far from the herd.

Holy crap, it has murder in its FUCKING EYES!

A Cape buffalo weighs up to 2,000 lbs., and its stupid-looking horn helmet is actually a handy combination battering ram/impaler. The Cape buffalo is also, apparently, capable of recognizing the concept of vengeance, and definitely the only animal in existence to downright cherish it.

"Alright. On the count of three, let's wreck their shit."

Cape buffalo can -- and do -- seek revenge against their main enemies, lions -- especially those that kill a calf. Should a lion make that mistake, they come for it with a mob that can contain up to a thousand pissed-off Cape buffalo. In fact, because some lion has surely killed a cape buffalo at some point, they make a point of actively attacking lion prides, either as pre-emptive strikes or, more likely, just to show them who's the boss.


And if a calf is in distress, every member of the herd immediately comes. A bit like this:

If you didn't watch the video, let us recap: a young Cape buffalo is attacked by lions. Then, by a crocodile. Then, the lions and the crocodile play tug-of-war with it for a bit. At which point an entire Cape buffalo herd shows up and gives the predators the beating of a lifetime, sending actual goddamn lions flying through the air, cartoon-style. And the young buffalo, the one two species of vicious predators were doing their very best to kill? It survives.

That's the cat doing wicked involuntary flips.

Attempts to domesticate these murder-cows have been made. They have, unsurprisingly, failed spectacularly. So, as the next most misguided move, we hunt them. As a direct result, more big game hunters are downed by Cape buffalo per year than by any other African animal.

This is largely because the Cape buffalo is a huge believer in offense as the best defense, and in complicated revenge schemes as the best offense. If you shoot one but fail to deliver a kill shot, it will receive an adrenaline boost that makes it oblivious to pain. After that, it will make its mission in life to straight up murder you no matter what. Even if you manage to escape the initial attack, the wounded animal will stalk you, circling around, just waiting for a chance to strike. Shit. Maybe you can try shooting it again? Feel free -- that silly-looking fused-together mass of bone on their foreheads is effectively bulletproof. And the bulk behind it is currently coming at you fast from those nearby bushes like an unholy, steaming, screeching lovechild of Predator and the Hulk.

You'd better hope he thinks those cats shot him.

All in all, we're pretty sure that the only reason aliens haven't attacked Earth yet is because they know they would eventually have to deal with the Cape buffalo.