Public Restroom Rules

Many people seem to look at public restrooms as both an opportunity to do things they wouldn't do at home, and a creative playground.

Just The Facts

  1. 110 percent of the craps taken in a public restroom are diarrhea. Ten percent wind up outside of the toilets.
  2. Trying to fart without someone hearing is impossible and pointless because someone else always walks in as soon as the last person walks out.
  3. Gas station bathrooms should only be entered if you are on fire or in a zombie movie, and there isn't another door or any open wilderness within miles.

Landmarks, Hazards and Annoyances

Public restrooms are a veritable wasteland of desperation and diarrhea. Everyone who has ever used a public restroom knows what to expect to find. Anyone who has not used one is a weirdo, and is one of the six luckiest people on Earth.

Public restrooms always include at least all of the following...

Graffiti - Definitely the highlight of a typical field trip to the crapper. This can be compared to anything from cave paintings to a rolodex of escort service numbers, dependent on the store and/or gas station and/or strip club that you're at. You'll see at least 50 randomly drawn or carved curse words, unimaginable artwork, several dudes' numbers, your mom's number, and sometimes an actual conversation.

Hieroglypshits, if you will. Meh, we could do better know, laziness.

Turdffiti - The worst thing you can find in a bathroom. Same as graffiti, but drawn with poop. If you discover a turdffiti drawing, call a hazmat team to cleanse the area and yourself....or, if you did it, call a mental institution and commit yourself.

Floor Turd - This is a nice, self-explanatory surprise that you find laying on the floor of a stall, or sometimes even out in the open. This is the typically done by people who are extremely drunk, or want to make a janitor cry.

Broken Toilet - Happens every time you have to take an earth shattering, spleen passing, life threatening zeppelin of a dump. You never notice until after, as they are rarely labeled. Even if they are labeled, you are in too much of a hurry to notice until you find yourself wiping with the "Out of Order" sign.

Pee Gel - Describes the coagulated layer of urine present on every public restroom floor. Many bathrooms have drains on the floor, which are pretty much just there to mock you, as they are no help against pee that has turned to Jello. The pee is several feet thick in men's bathrooms.

The Pubic Hair of Doom - No matter what toilet you're forced to crap on, there will always be a worm-sized pubic hair on the toilet seat. Brush it off the seat with something other than your hand. If you don't, it will embed itself in your skin with it's teeth.

Glory Hole - Where perverts live. A glory hole is a hole cut in the wall or between stalls meant for both peeping and spreading sexually transmitted diseases.

Germ mounds - Literal piles of germs. These actually only appear in the most unkempt bathrooms. If you see something moving across the floor and it's not a bug, it's probably a germ mound. These usually accompany some sort of congealed bodily fluid.

Lady's Delight - A used female sanitary device that has been left behind, either inside or outside of a toilet, for the next bathroom user to stumble upon. The ultimate grossout, but at least they mostly happen in women's restrooms. Mostly.

Log Paper - Sometimes there will be toilet paper available. However, when there is, you'll still wipe your ass with your sock. Public toilet paper is a combination of wood, pine cones, metal shavings, ass hairs and steel wool. Despite being rougher than sex with a dump truck, this paper is still somehow thinner than air, and you will promptly get shit finger even when using a basketball sized wad of it to wipe.

Typical Public Restroom Toilet Paper


There are also many abnormal people that dwell within a public restroom to avoid. They include, but are not limited to:

Talkers - Complete strangers that talk to you or others while you're using the bathroom. There are many types, including phonetalkers (see below). Never talk to any of them.

Stalltalkers - People that talk to you from within a stall. They are creepier than normal talkers, as you can not see what they are doing.

Phonetalkers - Texting or using mobile web on the toilet in public is does not reveal you to be disgusting. However, there are people who find it necessary to share the sounds of straining with their friends. These are phonetalkers.

Creepers - These are usually curious little kids, but can also be a type of pervert. These are people that look or even climb under or over a stall at you. If you encounter one, put your foot on their face and push them out.

Peepers - Self explanitory. Try to hide your junk if you feel you're being watched.

The Intoxicated - The drunk and/or stoned are 100% more likely to contribute to the previously described hazards. If you are one of The Intoxicated and feel the urge to pass out in a public restroom, don't. You will suffer the wrath.

Human Spaceships - People who hover over the toilet set to go. God forbid a few germs get on the outside of your buttcheeks while an infinite amount of germs drop into the toilet from between them. Women are the biggest culprits, as they both fear germs and fear being normal. If a guy does this, he is most certainly drunk and is not currently in control of his depth perception. Hovering can only be excused if there is a non-urine based bodily fluid on the toilet seat, which would likely have been caused by hovering in the first place. So DON'T DO IT.