The 6 Greatest Videogame Theories on the Internet

Videogamers and conspiracy nuts share a lot of common ground: both spend most of their time indoors, both post long, meandering tirades on internet message boards, and both stare at flickering screens all day. The only difference is that one group is playing Xbox, and the other is flipping frame-by-frame through Obama’s inauguration speech trying to spot his lizardman tail. But sometimes the groups overlap, and we end up with some crazy theories about our favorite games. Strap on your tinfoil hats, sheeple: here are six of the weirdest videogame fan-theories out there.



6) Pokemon: You Killed Gary’s Raticate



Gary Oak (or “Blue” or “Douche”, as you probably called him), pops up every now and then in the first generation of Pokemon games, battling you whenever it’s least convenient and generally being a snarky pain in the ass. Sympathy for this jerk was pretty low until early last year, when someone spread this story around the net:

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In short, Gary has a Rattata / Raticate that is a staple of his lineup all the way to the S.S. Anne. After you pummel his team onboard the ocean liner, the next time you see him he’s visiting Lavender Town, the final resting place for dead Pokemon. His Raticate is nowhere to be seen. Did the brutal onslaught of your Poke-skills lay his stalwart companion to rest? Are… are you the real “Douche” in this game? Man, I need to go sit down.



5) Super Mario Bros. 3: It’s Just a Stage Play



The Internet had its collective mind blown when this image started making the rounds sometime last year:

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And it makes some damn good points: The curtain rises at the beginning of the game and closes at the end. The platforms are bolted to the backgrounds or supported by rope. Mario exits stage right into darkness once he finishes a level. I could go on, but there’s no need to relive the childhood-crushing truth. It’s almost as bad as that time I found out Santa was Tim Allen.



4) Earthbound: Giygas is a Fetus



Earthbound is a very fun, very weird RPG with a huge cult following and a very memorable final boss battle. At first glance, it looks like standard Japanese RPG fare. You’re a group of young heroes pitted against a force of huge, insane, incomprehensible evil that goes by the name of Giygas. His final form is a swirling, shrieking mass, with no rhyme or reason to his… wait. There’s something familiar about that shape… oh. Oh shit:


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Yep, the corridor leading up to the battle looks like a cervix and the boss himself looks like a fetus. That combined with the fact that you were sent back in time to fight him in his vulnerable form has led some to draw the conclusion that you are, in fact, aborting the world’s most evil baby. Oh, and his lines of creepy, babbling dialogue? Those were taken from a rape victim in a movie the developer saw. Told you this game was weird.


3) Diablo: The Secret Cow Level



In the mid-nineties, game forums and message boards were teeming with ridiculous theories about a cow level in the original Diablo; a secret area populated by demon bovine and a powerful cow king. Some speculated that by clicking on the Tristram cows a certain number of times, you could summon a portal that would transport you there. Others claimed that it was reachable by performing an insane fetch quest or by engaging in a particular action on a certain day of the year. The rumors were officially dispelled in Starcraft with the inclusion of the code, “there is no cow level” that allowed users to automatically win the game. However, the theory was so popular that Blizzard would eventually add a cow level to Diablo II. The lesson in all of this? Ask for stupid shit and ye shall receive stupid shit.



2) Legend of Zelda: Link Meets His Own Ghost



Since the Legend of Zelda series takes place over the course of centuries, nearly every “Link” you play is just a new reincarnation of the same Hero of Time. You’d think the Hyrulians would notice that every hundred years or so, a jerk named “Ganon” kidnaps a princess named “Zelda” who is then rescued by some green-clad elfboy named “Link.” But no, they’re too busy sweeping their porches and raising their murder chickens. Go figure. In any case, these incarnations have never met one another. OR HAVE THEY?




In the beginning of Majora’s Mask, Link enters the Lost Woods without a fairy to guide him, despite having been explicitly told that anyone who does that is cursed to be lost and transformed into a Stalfos. Flash-forward a hundred years or so to the events of Twilight Princess, where this game’s Link runs into a character called “The Hero’s Shade,” who claims to be the ghost of a past hero. This suspiciously Stalfos-looking character responds to songs from Majora’s Mask, and teaches Link sword techniques that can only be learned by those of “the hero’s bloodline.” He also tells the current Link to “believe in your strengths,” the same advice that was given to Link back in Majora’s Mask. Is this a touching reunion between past and future-self? And if so, where is our game starring skeleton ghost Link!? Forget this nancy-pants green tunic garbage, I want to carve up Moblins as a skull-faced phantom knight.



1) Pokemon: Cubone & Kangaskhan’s Missing Link



Kangaskhan is a bit of an oddity – a kangaroo Pokemon that doesn’t evolve, and when hatched, is born complete with a “baby” version of itself in its pouch, even though it’s never a baby at all. Weird, to be sure, but they’re magic monsters, so they’ve got some slack in the weird department. But players also noticed that the baby Kangaskhan bore a striking resemblance to a Cubone, an “orphan” Pokemon abandoned by its mother. After years of speculation, the great Internet Theory Engine cranked out the following logical deduction:

• Prior to the original game’s release, Cubone eventually evolved into Kangaskhan.

• The developers must have removed the ‘missing link’ Pokemon that connected Cubone and Kangaskhan, and replaced it with the non-evolving Marowak.

• Rather than deleting this missing link, the developers brushed it under the digital carpet by simply giving it a Pokemon index number of zero.

If you played the first two Pokemon games, you might recognize that index number as belonging to either MissingNo or ‘M, the game glitch Pokemon that you can find surfing off the coast of Cinnabar Island. Coincidence? Obviously.
Except that when ‘M levels up, IT EVOLVES INTO MOTHERFUCKING KANGASKHAN. HOLY LIVING CRAP. Mom! Call the FBI! Ask for Agent Mulder!

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Source: Owen Parsons, The 6 Greatest Videogame Theories on the Internet, Dorklyst, 17 March 2011