The NBA Closer... of Doom!


The NBA Closer is written by Doctor Victor Von Doom, the monarch of Latveria and sworn enemy of the Fantastic Four. When he isn't filling his armor with unstoppable devices of mayhem and receiving physical gratification from his endless army of robot duplicates, Doom can be found plotting his conquest of the NBA at Basketbawful. Now enjoy or else face the unappeasable wrath of Doom!

Note: The post was dated 11 March 2008

Cleveland Cavaliers 88, Portland Trail Blazers 80. LeBron James achieved what is known in the National Basketball Association as a "triple-double" by compiling 24 points, 10 rebounds, and 11 assists. To which Doom says: Bah! Doom is not impressed by this "King James" and his pathetic statistical accomplishments. After all, Doom could easily match these feats - and greatly surpass them! - but he will not lower himself to performing frivolous parlor tricks for the rabble. For in his own country, Doom is also a king! When LeBron has wrested ultimate power from Doom's lifeless grasp and stands triumphant over Doom's laser-blasted remains, only then will Doom be impressed. The following items are also included in the fathomless list of things that do not impress the unyielding mind of Doom: LaMarcus Aldridge's 25 points and 10 rebounds, Wally Szczerbiak's subtle yet precisely gelled hair, and household cleaners.

Orlando Magic 123, Atlanta Hawks 112. Did you not know that Doom is also a master of darkest sorcery? It is true! And this game reminds Doom of the time he used his ancient magicks to transform a group of rebellious peasants into hawks. But no ordinary hawks! These feathered engines of death had the strength of a thousand hawks, a battery of computer-guided missiles, and size 38-DD breasts. Why did Doom outfit his deadly flock with mammary glands of enormous size? That is for Doom to know, mortal fools! Instead, succor yourself with the knowledge that the Magic's Hedo Turkoglu had his second career triple-double (23 points, 10 rebounds, 13 assists), Dwight Howard had a double-double (26 points, 16 rebounds), and Rashard Lewis had a single-double (22 points). Joe Johnson led the Hawks with 27 points and 11 assists.

Boston Celtics 100, Philadelphia 76ers 85. Though Doom is capable of many things, the Master of Latveria does not lie! Therefore let it be known that these "Boston Celtics" are fully capable of all that is good in life. And what is that, you may ask? Why, to crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of the women! The very thought of these things has caused Doom to attain an unstoppable erection. Beware the unrivaled penis of Doom! Now, Doom requires a few moments of solitude with only his own supreme hand lotion and peerless facial tissues to comfort his neverending lust. But know you now that Kevin Garnett led his mighty Celtics with 26 points and 12 rebounds, while Walter Ray Allen contributed an additional 21 points. Andre Miller scored 22 points for the losing team, which of course renders his efforts as meaningless as pleas of mercy ringing in Doom's pitiless ears.

L.A. Clippers 99, Miami Heat 98. Doom is not a fully certified medical doctor, but he nonetheless possesses an unrivaled scatalogical knowledge of hundreds of species on this world and many others. Thus he can tell you that this game was a flatulent poop-spectacle unequaled in the annals of our time. Do not be deceived by the closeness of the score or the fact that the game was decided in the final moments. Watching this game would have gained you nothing, save an unquenchable thirst for your own painful demise. These are the words of Doom! Fail to heed them at your own peril. If you value your mind and your very will to live, satisfy yourself with the following details. Cuttino Mobley scored 29 points and won the game for the Clippers by hitting two freethrows with 2.9 seconds left. Ricky Davis had 27 points for the Heat. Note that Dwyane Wade has, like any wise leader, chosen to flee for the season, thus sacrificing his own underlings so that he may live to fight another day. Doom salutes you, Dwyane Wade!

Houston Rockets 91, New Jersy Nets 73. The Houston Rockets have won 19 games in a row - the third longest streak in National Basketball Association history - and only Doom knows how they are doing it. What? You would deign to know the secrets of Doom? Very well. It is good that you desire the majesty and power of Doom; the rabble must always glean knowledge from their betters. But take care that you do not use this knowledge against Doom! To do so would invoke his wrath, and such a thing should not be invited lightly. Learn well of Doom and his lands, for the world will soon fall before them. Now, to answer your question: They are outscoring their opponents each time. Behold the unquestionable logic of Doom! Tracy McGrady led the Rockets with 19 points, while the pathetic Vince Carter scored 13 points on 5-for-15 shooting. Doom commands you to start taking the "ball" to the "hole," Vince Carter, or Doom will vaporize you and reduce your family to ash! So speaks the demanding mouth of Doom!

San Antonio Spurs 107, Denver Nuggets 103. The life of a reigning champion is never easy. This is something Doom knows all too well. Only a few short years ago his very kingdom was almost usurped by his own unstoppable clone, who through unforeseen programming errors thought that he was in fact the one true Doom. That was not a happy time for Doom. Defeating his own matchless doppleganger, tormenting him, replacing his internal organs with writhing snakes and crawling insects...these things brought Doom little joy. But sometimes a little joy is enough. Tim Duncan, now here is a kindred spirit that Doom can understand. He savors victory, and desires nothing more than the utter defeat of his adversaries. Indeed, his 23 points and 18 rebounds were critical to his team's victory, much as Doom's peerless intellect was a key to the victory of his forces in Marvel Superheroes' Secret Wars.

Dallas Mavericks 108, New York Knicks 79. Listen closely, mortal fools. It was not always Doom's dream to have the keenest of minds, the greatest of powers, and the absolute mastery of all he surveys. As a child, Doom wanted nothing more than to be an unmatchable cowboy...of doom! But Doom's parents would not let him have a pony, and Doom's father became increasingly displeased with his son's growing fascination with leather chaps and rope. So instead of being gifted with spurs that jingle jangle jingle, Doom was riven with ritualistic facial scars and clothed in traditional Latverian battle armor. This was not wholly a bad thing, for Doom is even now sitting on a throne created with mortar ground from the skeletons of his enemies. But even Doom must admit that reviewing the box score for these "Mavericks" makes him feel wistful and nostalgic for a time that he had hopes of riding across the open prairie with the sun in his face and the wind in his hair. Not to mention a time when he didn't have to remove several hundred pounds of metal and disarm numerous atomic booby traps just to pee. But enough! The details of Doom's life are his to know! But if you seek knowledge, Doom will grant you this: Dirk Nowitzki (18 points, 8 rebounds), Jason Terry (18 points), and Jason Kidd (8 points, 9 assists) led a balanced attack that obliterated their hapless foes, who were captained by Zach Randolph (21 points, 14 rebounds).