The Arachnophobic's Guide to Spiders

Nothing in the history of the entire world is more feared and hated than the spider. Nothing deserves it more, either.
An astounding 85% of the human population would rather be dead than see a spider!
An astounding 85% of the human population would rather be dead than see a spider!
This is Patrick. He'll be watching over your shoulder for the duration of your time reading this article.

Just The Facts

  1. Spiders are not technically insects, but actually skeletons made of congealed hate.
  2. Men are slightly less terrified of spiders than women are, and are therefore easier prey.
  3. Spiders have 8 legs. Every one can kill you. Simultaneously.

Spider Anatomy

No one has ever been able to actually get close enough to study the spider but it is believed that they wear their skeletons on the outside. This is called an exoskeleton, not unlike the Aliens have in the popular sci-fi movies directed by James Cameron. It is highly likely that spiders have acid for blood as well.

Spiders have fifty-seven million eyes and eight legs. If a human was born with eight legs it would technically be a spider.

Spiders hatch from eggs. One out of every seven spiders implant their eggs in a human being's face. When the egg hatches the human's skin bursts open and millions of little spiders come out. While this fact cannot be 100% verified, we have a cousin who had a friend that this happened to and that's good enough for us.

Speaking of baby spiders, here is a video of a mamma and her babies!

Let this be a lesson to you: If you ever think there's nothing worse than a spider, there's always a spider covered in other spiders!

The Spider Web

Often the only telltale sign that a spider is anywhere around you is its web. Spiders weave elaborate webs out of a silky substance that they get and learn to control during adolescence, after they are bitten by other radioactive spiders. Spiderwebs catch insects and create vibrations. The vibrations travel through the web to the spider who quickly moves in for its meal. The spider then quickly wraps up the insect and sucks its fucking brains out of its fucking head leaving only its victims heart so that others know the spider was there. It is the spider's calling card.

Examples of spider webs:


Oh dear...

Balls! Death and balls!

Spiders and Romance

The Dreaded Spider Bite

Been bitten by a spider? Here is a quick test to see if it was poisonous or not:

Come back to this article in, oh, a day or so. We'll wait...


Spiders in Popular Culture

Here are some famous spiders that aren't spiders at all (try not to kill these ones, if at all possible).

Spider Man

the Spider Bass

the Fiat Spider

the Impish Spider Monkey

John "Spider" Salley

Spiders in Space

While there are no reported cases of spiders existing in outer space, it shouldn't be ruled out just yet.

Spiders: The War of Terror

Spiders, being their typical alarming-ass selves:

Sweet Jesus Lord! We are getting a divorce!

This one's trying to be cute.

This one is not.

This one is piloting a human.

This one has killed English. We only speak screaming now.




...oh, it's just a movie and-