These guys would kick the crap out of the Bad News Bears.
Last week, the World Series ended a little earlier than expected, with the White Sox sweeping the Astros. Though the Sox won in just four games, each game was about as close as could be, making for the best sweep in baseball history -- no blowouts and all nail-biters. To honor the ending of our national pastime, we first decided to assemble our own World Series team, comprised of comic-book superheroes. The series was such a hit, we decided to create an opposing team for these giants. And what better time to do it than during Villains Month?
Obviously an actual game played by people who can fly, teleport and throw tanks isn't going to offer much challenge. But we're judging more on personality than powers. We want the right fit for each position or we'd just ask the Legion of Doom to play hardball and be done with it.
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|He is the infield, slowing down grounders from the heroes to allow for easier fielding.||When he commands the umps, they are compelled to do his bidding.||Drugged the concession stand food to put fear in the hearts of the hometown fans.||The hostage. If the heroes win, Superman's pal dies!|
|If you thought Hawkeye was accurate, try the assassin who never misses. Knuckleball, split-finger, slider, changeup -- No matter what he throws, it always finds its mark. Intimidates batters with first-pitch chin-music every at-bat.||The catcher is often the least-mobile on the team. Blob certainly fits that description. No one blocks the plate better. Just try and barrel through him on your way to home.||The team's slugger, Rhino isn't known for his defense. He doesn't have soft hands or great range. However, he has baseball experience, having played against the Hulk. His power makes up for his defensive lapses.|
|There aren't too many nimble villains out there and certainly none better suited to second base than Toad. His long-reach with his tongue gives him incredible range. Has great hop to avoid a runner's slide.||You want defensive range? Try a guy with six arms. Though Ock is hardly a nimble guy, making him a liability at turning the double play, he gets to more balls than any other infielder.||The man at the hot corner needs incredible reflexes, a great arm and impeccable accuracy. It's hard not to go with the Terminator, who never goes down to injury and shows no fear on the basepaths.|
|Bane actually was a left-fielder back in the day. You may have known him as Jose Canseco. On the juice, has lots of pop, and is likely to take a donger off his dome.||If the heroes get Flash, than it only makes sense for his counter-part to end up in centerfield. He has incredible speed and a maverick style of play the fans love to cheer.||This guy sells tickets and plays his position perfectly. He has a cannon for an arm, can scale the wall like no other and has one of the hottest-selling jerseys ever.|
|With the powers of the Fantastic Four, has the versatility needed from a utility player.||It's a no-brainer he'd own the team. And would he ever allow anyone else to be in charge?||Telepathic apes are in!|
1. Reverse Flash - CF
2. Toad - 2B
3. Venom - RF
4. Rhino - 1B
5. Bane - LF
6. Deathstroke - 3B
7. Blob - C
8. Doc Ock - SS
9. Bullseye - P
What's your super-villain lineup? Write in and we may post your email!
Now that we have the teams squared away, it's time to answer the ultimate question -- Who wins?
Though the villains have an unfair advantage in that they cheat like mad and have some incredible pop in their line-up, they also have a few too many defensive gaps. It makes sense, after all, villains are focused on being aggressors and heroes are defenders.
The game would come down to the final at-bat, heroes down by one with a man on first, two outs and a full count. It really doesn't matter who's at the plate -- they get a home run. With everything on the line, the heroes pull out a zero-hour victory, because that's what heroes always do. And then Jimmy Olsen dies. Still, it's a small price to pay for a World Championship.
Source: Hilary Goldstein, The World Series of Super Villains, IGN Comics, 4 November 2005.