Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky

Sometimes in life, you come across something… unusual. Something that leaves you happy, but confused. Something that you desperately need to share with other people, because you just can't put into words exactly what it is. A moment like that came for me when my brother rented The Story of Ricky.

Does the name sound a little familiar? Fans of the Daily Show might remember the Five Questions bit, where Craig Kilborn would ask his guest questions. Five of ‘em. Anyway, the opening graphic to that bit featured a man smashing another man's head with his bare hands. That brief bit of video is from this very movie, and I assure you, there is much more hilarious, over-the-top gore in the rest of the film. So, without further ado…

Luuuucy!

Right away, you can tell it's going to be a classy movie by the music. Nothing says "big budget picture" like the noodlings of a first year piano student on a synthesizer. It's kind of a warm up for what you'll be seeing in a few minutes. For starters, here's some background info presented in easy-to-digest paragraph form:

I own 40 share of International Carpark Inc.

Pay extra attention to that last line: "Prisons, like car-parks, have become franchised business…" Now, I've never been to China, except to visit the sweatshop where they make the I-Mockery T-shirts, but how the hell could anyone make a franchise out of parking. Do parents, going for a night on the town, say to each other, "should we park over here at ‘Parky's", or over there at ‘TGTP' (Thank God There's Parking)?" Don't think about it too hard. There's a lot more nonsensical crap coming up.

I'm the hero.  Seriously.

The new prisoners are brought in, and their names and convictions are read off by the narrator. You get your first taste of the glory of early English dubbing here, too, as the officers angrily shout their every line (I'm almost certain, looking back, that every character in the movie is voiced by one of only two men). Anyway, there's our man Ricky Ho, the girly fellow in the tan jacket. He's in ten years for manslaughter and assault. Assault on who? Oh, you'll find out, my little chickadee.

Dammit, swing harder, Jerry!

After the narrator reads off his criminal charges, Ricky ignores the guard's order to wait and proceeds through the metal detector. It goes off, and two of the guards try to bring him down with their batons. Well, the one on the right tries. He leaps over the counter, rushes towards Ricky, and takes a big swing at him. The guy on the left gives a short, unenthusiastic swing. I guess he knew Ricky was going to stop it, and figured, "eh, why work for it?"

It must be THE FUTURE!

They check him out with a handheld detector, and even though he's wearing a metal belt buckle, the detector doesn't go off until it reaches his chest. A quick visit to the futuristic X-ray/ATM on the wall reveals that Ricky has five bullets lodged in his chest. Why? Let's listen in:

Officer: "Why didn't you let the doctors take the five bullets out of you?"
Ricky: "Souvenirs."

Oh, you're a tough guy, Ricky. Real tough. Kinda cute, too, but mostly tough. With that little episode behind them, the prisoners are moved to their cells, and the narrator tells them the rules of the prison:

"The warden is the most powerful in the prison. After him, it's the assistant warden."

… Yes, that is how prisons generally work. Warden, then assistant warden, and so on down the line. I didn't mean to interrupt, though, please continue.

"The cells are divided into four wings: east, west, north, and south. Each wing is controlled by a leader. They're also known as the gang of four. None of you are worthy enough to see the warden or the assistant warden yet. Just make sure you know the rules and your place here."

That last line bothered me because initially, I didn't realize he was addressing the prisoners, and I thought he was just insulting the audience. Sure, it seemed like an odd thing to do, but then again, so does saying that parking lots are a big business. Anyway, that concludes the introduction.

On to the morning preparations in the bathroom. The captain of the cells is having a bit of a disagreement with an older, dorky prisoner regarding a washcloth, but they decide to settle it like gentlemen.

That'll teach you to bogart that towel!

Just kidding. The captain has his goons hurl the poor bastard into a window. And boy, do they take pride in their work. As it turns out, the old man is scheduled to be out on probation soon, and the captain is upset that he wasn't consulted on the matter. After collapsing from the window-induced trauma, the old man drops a little wooden train, a toy he made for his son.

He should've carved his son a Nintendo.

Still miffed about the old man wanting his washcloth back, the captain smashes the toy train on the man's head. And that's the last straw. You can only push a man so far, stealing his towel and throwing him into a window like that, but smashing his train sets the old man off.

Look out, he's got a... thing.

He produces a block of wood with handlebars and a big razor sticking out of it and rushes the captain. Unfortunately, he announces his intentions well beforehand, and the bald thug trips him. The captain, apparently familiar with the use of such strange weapons as this, steals the tool and puts it to good use.

My T-zone!

Yeesh. The camera doesn't show exactly how he does this, but regardless, he takes a big strip off of the old man's face. A guard shows up to check on the screams of agony, but the captain, being pals with the guards, tells him that the old man just "fell into a knife." A knife? Is that what they call that thing? Man, China is a weird place.

Anyway, the captain is walking tall after his victory over the nerdy fellow. That is until…

Early CGI.

Ouch. Ricky trips him, and he falls face first onto a conveniently placed board with nails in it.

I've got a board-with-nails with your name on it.

Baldy confronts Ricky, and Ricky gives him the least intimidating, "you talkin' to me?" that I've ever heard. Still, the thug gets scared and backs down. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he's just scared that ol' Ricky will make him trip and fall onto something even worse, like another of those "knives". Instead, he and the other thug haul the captain off to get treatment for his eyeful of nails.

The plot thickens, as later on in his cell, the captain and his cronies devise a way to get back at Ricky. One of them suggests that they bring in "Zorro". The other adds that Zorro "was so hungry he ate a whole horse yesterday." What an odd sentiment, not just for the Mexican champion of justice, but for anyone you're thinking of recruiting as a hatchet man. I guess he just has a healthy appetite… FOR DESTRUCTION!!!

So, the captain sets it up with the guards that Zorro will be let out to fight Ricky the next day. For those of you who haven't figured it out already, he isn't exactly "Antonio Banderas as Zorro". In fact, here's a picture of horse-eating Zorro:

With a gut like that, he must be a great killer.
Oh yeah. Z is for Zorro, baby.

The next day, the old man who had a run-in with the captain receives word that his probation has been declined for sending a letter home "behind our backs." Sure, the old man is painfully aware that the captain had his probation turned down, but to come up with such a lame excuse… That's just cold-blooded, bro. The old man doesn't take the news well.

Quitter!

Very not well. Still, I suppose it was polite of the guards to let him out of his cell long enough to gather some rope, tie it off, and hang himself while everyone has to sit in their cells like regular prisoners. Yeah, they aren't such bad guys after all. Ricky takes it hard, though. Really hard, considering that he only knew the guy for about two minutes. He leaves his cell, somehow, and sees the old man off as he's hauled away on a stretcher.

The kid gets his toy, and it only cost him his dad.  Good deal.

After breaking the handcuffs off of his dead buddy (God knows why they were on in the first place), Ricky produces a toy train from his jumpsuit and lays it on the old man's chest. Then, he throws a big tantrum, screaming, jumping up and down, and flailing his arms. A goofy end to what was probably meant to be a solemn, depressing scene. Secondary characters aside, it's time now for the fight between Ricky and the alleged "Zorro".

It's like being hit by a blubbery cinderblock.

Ricky is taking a shower when Baby Huey sneaks up and gets him with a sucker punch. He lands next to another guy taking a shower who quickly runs off, perhaps wondering why Ricky is taking a shower with his shorts on.

Wah!

Zorro strikes a bodybuilder's pose before introducing himself to Ricky, a pose that fails not just because he's a lardass, but also because there's a significant amount of drool rolling down his chest. He remarks that someone gave him thirty pounds of rice to "finish you off, and turn you into mincemeat, and put you in a pie." Then, the fight really begins. Fifteen seconds later, the fight is over. Here's why:

Who will be put into a pie?

I dropped the soap!!!

But what really happened, you ask? This. This is what happened.

I don't know about you, but I'm hungry.

Mmm, delicious. That is pretty much the end of Zorro. The captain, however, is not easily discouraged. Thinking that he can do better, he produces a large nail, puts it between his middle and ring fingers, and rushes Ricky.

Thank god he didn't armwrestle Ricky.

It was a very well thought out plan, but unfortunately, Ricky is able to accept the spike-in-the-hand, and he's still able to break the captain's fingers. Oh well, better luck next time, captain.

*squeeeeeak* *pop*

Undaunted, Ricky pulls the aforementioned nail out of his hand. It's an intimidating move, or at least it would have been, had it not been for the "squeak" that accompanies the nail's removal. Finally, the guards show up to break up the fight, but Ricky has other plans…

You got salsa all over the camera, Ricky!

Well folks, wave bye-bye to another bit player. With the fight having resolved itself, the guards move in to take Ricky back to his cell. Ricky decides to play by the rules and, despite the fact that he can knock the cherry cobbler out of his enemies, allows the guards to escort him out of the shower room.

God help you if you used all the hot water...

Before they leave, however, Ricky gets a visit from the head of the North Cell. A man named Oscar. Oscar… Anyways, he only stops by long enough to tell Ricky that he'll be getting more punishment once he's punished by the Assistant Warden. And that's all you get in the way of foreshadowing, folks, so deal with it.

Once he gets back to his cell, Ricky sits down and starts meditating. It's very intense meditation, and once he gets into it, he flashes back to when he was a yuppie teenager.

Ugh, can't believe my nephew is such a preppie.

While visiting his father's grave, Yuppie Ricky encounters his uncle. Said uncle knew that Ricky started showing signs of superhuman strength since he was "seven and eight years old," and asks Ricky to show him how strong he is. Ricky obliges, and goes into a martial arts routine, complete with air punches, jump kicks, and backflips. No actual blows, though, just his little dance. At the end of his display of "strength," Ricky rushes his uncle, only to be effortlessly bitch slapped away.

This is why you don't wear white after Labor Day.

Adding insult to injury, Ricky's uncle calls him clumsy, and then starts laughing at him. Ricky realizes that the reason he was smacked like a punk as because his uncle knows Chi Kun, and he begs him to teach him the martial art.

A little higher, Ricky.

You get points for trying, Ricky. The uncle, amused at the sight of his nephew talking to his crotch, starts to laugh again, thus signaling the beginning of the training. The main focus of the training: Breaking headstones. And uncle's got a hell of a lineup.

Uncle at his class reunion.

After letting Ricky polish off a standing headstone, the uncle starts hurling them at Ricky, and Ricky breaks them all, some with punches, some with kicks, and others he breaks simply by letting them hit him and break apart. Once his uncle exhausts his supply of headstones, he starts to laugh, thus signifying the end of the training. Man, that guy loves to laugh.

The next day, the guards make good on their promise to take Ricky to see the Assistant Warden.

He's hand-icapped.  Get it?

Meet Assistant Warden… Well, just Assistant Warden. His pinching hook arm actually works, although not very well, as you watch him scratch at his plate for a moment trying to pick up a piece of steak. Forget the claw, though. What's even more noteworthy about the Assistant Warden is that there appears to be shelves of pornography all over his office.

Nothing worse than a proud smut-hoarder.

Weird, huh? I guess that's how he lost his hand. Anyway, a guard reads Ricky's file, saying that after doing poorly in primary and high school, he joined a music school, but then disappeared when he was a senior. Curious, the AW grabs his glass eye out of the glass of water he was drinking and demands to know what happened to Ricky in the two years that he went missing. With no answer forthcoming, he returns to his desk and tells Ricky about a letter that just came for him, complete with a picture of a pretty girl. He invites Ricky to take a look, and…

Don't touch my steak!

He nails him to the table. With Ricky's hand firmly locked in place, the AW starts hurling questions at him. Questions… and punches!

Take this, and that, and one of these!

But Ricky proves an unyielding pillar of untalkitude, opening his mouth only to spit a cloud of blood at the AW. Then, however, the AW makes a remark about Ricky's girlfriend.

He's staring at the shelves of porno.

That there is the line, buddy. Ricky was fine with having a hook through his hand, and he didn't mind having a fat man's fist shoved into his face, but make vague threats about his girlfriend, and he goes off.

Can't believe that guard's head didn't explode.

Whee!

He snaps the table in half with his impaled hand, backhands one of the guards, and then, when the AW tries to shoot him, he picks up a plate off of the ground and hurls it at the window. Somehow, the plate winds up taking the bullet for him, even though it was nowhere near the path of the bullet. Wow, Chi Kun is amazing. With the bullet "deflected," all that's left is to disarm the AW. Fortunately, he saves Ricky the trouble by dropping his gun for some reason. Perhaps he thought it would be pointless to try and shoot Ricky while he was anywhere near a plate. Whatever the case, it's time for Ricky to execute a classic martial arts cliché: the feint.

Smell my fingers!

Ooh, intense. A little less intense on account of the porno in the background, but it's better than Ricky's last few attempts at intimidation. With his point made, Ricky grabs the picture of his girlfriend and leaves the AW's office. Back at his cell, which he apparently returned to himself, he produces a flute from his vest and starts having a flashback as he plays.

What a cute couple.

God, he was such a yuppie back then. Here, he's flying a remote controlled plane with his best girl, "Anne". A fun afternoon for them, I suppose. Suffice to say, this little bit of romance is more disgusting than watching a gallon of tomato sauce pour out of the fat guy's belly.

The next day, trouble is brewing for the bald thug who used to work for the captain whose torso was blasted by Ricky. As fate would have it, he's an informant, and the other prisoners aren't too happy about this. The scene starts with him finishing up in the bathroom and singing a little diddy to himself as he leaves. A good number of prisoners are waiting for him in the hall (the prison apparently has an open door policy). When he gets to the stairwell, a group of them confront him about his fink-dom.

It is the group's opinion that you should eat shit.

It's a tense situation, but lucky for our bald friend, the group has come up with a short list of what he has to do for forgiveness:

1. Eat shit.
2. Lick their shoes clean.

The list would have been longer, but one of group members isn't keen on the idea of forgiveness (and thank god he interrupted, as I'll bet the director would have tried to include a shit-eating sequence).

Oooh, gimme!

Oh man, I wish I could get me one of those. The troublemaker, "Andrew", isn't interested in getting a free shoe-cleaning, and wants the rat dead. The informant pleads for his life and wets himself in the process. Oh, I was overjoyed at getting to se urine dripping out of the guy's pants, but it just didn't seem like a shot worthy of your collective eyeballs.

Everybody wants a serated machete.

There's more trouble afoot, however. Oscar's wimpy manservant arrives on the scene and makes a pitiful attempt to take Andrew's… saw thingie. Oscar follows, takes the weapon himself, and gives Andrew a lecture about how it's his job to mete out punishment. Andrew just has to push the point, and when he criticizes Oscar's stance on the issue, Oscar metes out some punishment.

That's why you don't shave against the grain.

It doesn't really look that bad, but I suppose he'll bleed to death, what with all that red goop pouring out of his face.

Meanwhile, the AW is watching the whole thing from the stair's upper landing, and claps after Oscar kills Andrew. Well, he claps in the only way that a one-handed man can clap: by banging his hook on the railing. After coming down to congratulate Oscar on a job well done, he hooks Andrew in the mouth and drags him off.

Ouch, right in the gums.
So long, Andy.

The AW has bigger fish to fry. He plans on using Andrew as bait to lure Ricky into a fight with Oscar. He even gives Oscar permission to use "the knife."

He doesn't give the knife to just anybody, you know.

Dun dun duuuuuuuun! With the deal closed, the AW offers Oscar some mints.

The freshmaker!

Yeesh. As if his drinking water that his eye's been sitting in wasn't bad enough, he actually has it hollow so he can store mints in it. What the hell? Oscar is justifiably put off, and declines the eye mints.

To lure Ricky out, Oscar chains Andrew to a giant wooden cross in the prison yard, and Ricky, wanting to rescue yet another character to which he has almost no attachment, takes the bait. And so begins the battle of the hairless chests.

Must be cold on Oscar's side of the yard.

Initially, things go well for Oscar, but then Ricky starts fighting back, and the fight really gets going. Oscar quickly produces "the knife" and goes after Ricky again.

The goggles do nothing!

Oscar tosses some powdered glass out of the knife sheath into Ricky's eyes. Shortly thereafter, Oscar slips in past Ricky's blind punches and scores a nasty hit.

He stabbed an albino!

Looks like the fight is over. Ricky's completely blind, and he's lost the use of his right arm. How could he possibly come back from all that? He can't, but if you forget about what's possible, you'll see that he's not as bad off as you originally thought.

Always flush your eyes with clean water, kids.

While desperately groping around, Ricky feels out a plate set into the ground. He smashes it with his elbow, and for some reason, a geyser of water shoots out of it, surprising Oscar and allowing Ricky to wash the glass out of his eyes. Man, that sure was easy. But his arm is still out of commission, right? That's what Oscar was counting on.

Whoops, that just popped out there.

Oscar lunges at Ricky, but Ricky steps aside and SMACKS OSCAR'S EYE OUT!!! That's right, a stiff slap on the back of the head, and his eye just pops right out. Not only that, but as soon as it hits the ground, some birds swarm in and snatch up the eyeball.

The AW can give him one of his extra glass eyes.

Oh, everyone was quite stunned. That, however, was nothing compared to what Ricky does next.

Over, under, in and out.

What's he doing, everyone asks. He's tying his veins together, like some sort of anatomical shoelace. Why? How? I don't know, but it does the trick. His arm is back in tiptop shape. And what about Oscar? Everything he's done in the fight so far has been undone, and now he's out one eyeball. He proceeds to the next logical step: suicide.

Remember... my... sneer.

Ricky is stunned by Oscar's sudden decision, and rushes over to ask him why? Oscar tells him, "We'll die together." What could he mean? Is he going to turn the knife around and disembowel Ricky? No. Instead, he gives you not only one of the film's defining moments, but what may very well be the greatest moment in any martial arts film ever.

It doesn't get any better.

Your eyes do not deceive you. Oscar reaches into his wound, pulls out his entrails, and tries to strangle Ricky with them!!! G. Zeus tap-dancing Christ! Even better, after performing this stunt, the AW tells Oscar, "You got a lot of guts." That's classic cinema, people. Forget about the horse head in the bed from Godfather, or, "rosebud," this is what it's all about.

Well unfortunately, Oscar's gutsy move fails to work once the initial shock of the move wears off and Ricky punches him in the face. Despite his missing bowels, Oscar stands up and makes one last lunge at Ricky. Ricky picks him up, tosses him over his shoulder, and plants one right in Oscar's face.

Oh yeah?  My face doesn't feel broken.

It's hard to say whether the ultra realistic x-ray footage is better or worse than the rest of the effects, but whatever the case, that final skulled-crushing blow puts Oscar the Grouch back in his can forever, though you'd never know his face had been crushed from the outside.

With the battle won, Ricky pries the cross out of the ground and checks on ol' Andy. Not surprisingly, he's dead, that scratch on his face having finally claimed his life. How tragic. You know whose fault this is, right? The AW, that's right. Ricky's pissed, and the other, puny prisoners are behind him 100%. It's time to get that jerk! Unfortunately, the movement hits a bit of a snag when the three remaining Gang of Four guys show up.

BLAMMO!

That's the infamous head smash from The Daily Show, for those of you uninitiated. If I could, I'd make all of my entrances that way.

That's just sad.

After the big guy comes the ugly short fellow who throws knitting needles. As you can see, he inflicts a minor wound that really pales in comparison to seeing some guy getting his head crushed. What an underachiever.

FEAR ME!

And lastly comes this… guy. I swear he's a man. He leaps out of a hole of some sort and strikes a dramatic pose. What a queen.

The dream team.

The ugly duckling.

The AW introduces them: Rogan, Tarzan, and Brandon. You know, I'll give ‘em Rogan, and to a lesser extent, Tarzan, but Brandon. Criminy. Still, he does have those hip highlights going for him almost a decade before they became popular. What a trend setter. The AW bets that Ricky can't beat all three of them.

Ricky has other ideas, though. He turns his back on the shemale, the ape, and the useless guy and goes to grab Andrew's body. Oddly enough, Ricky actually slips up and says that "Andrew and Omar are both dead." Omar? Who the hell is that? Must have been Oscar's nickname.

Is there anything this man can't do?

Regardless of who Omar is, Ricky grabs Andrew and hauls him away, blowing a little dirge on his leaf-flute. Ah, the drama that can only come from hauling the body of a man who was hit in the face with a saw after you killed the man who did it by smashing his skull.

You suck at blowing.

Later, after Ricky's had a chance to get his clothes cleaned and his hair done, he comes across Oscar's manservant trying to duplicate his own leaf-flute playing. As it turns out, the kid's name is Alan, and the reason he was always around Oscar was because he was Oscar's godson. Despite the fact that Ricky wasted Oscar not long ago, there isn't any awkwardness between them, and Ricky gives Alan instruction on how to make the leaf-flute work: blow lighter, and roll your tongue. Simple really, but Alan still can't do it. Why? Well, he has the first part down; it's the second part that's giving him trouble.

And they stole your gums too!? Bastards.

Turns out that someone cut out his tongue. That's certainly going to hurt his chances at mastering the leaf-flute. Aw, it's so sad. Ricky, being the generous guy that he is, and being a friend to all short-term characters, gives Alan the flute he snuck into the prison through means I don't wish to know about. And Alan is happy again, dancing about and gaily playing the flute. Of course, the illusion is ruined when the music continues after he takes the flute out of his mouth, but that's not important. Having taken Ricky's flute, Alan feels he should give Ricky something in return, so he gives him a handful of the leaves he was using for practice. Good trade. Anyway, Ricky recognizes the leaves as being poppy leaves, and Alan indicates that he got them from the West cell (Rogan's area).

Such a sissy.

Little do they know that Rogan is watching them with his fiercest pout. Acting as fast as those crazy legs can take him, Rogan calls the other two gang leaders in for a conference. The topic: what to do about the wimpy mute who apparently poses a threat to their plans. The solution: get him to kill Ricky with…

You get to use... THE KNIFE!!!

The knife! DUN DUN DUUUUN!!! But knife doesn't quite lend Alan the courage he needs to take on a man who can tie his own shredded veins back together. He declines, and so Tarzan shows him something to change his mind:

The final solution to back acne.

According to Tarzan, Ricky cut off Oscar's tattoo-covered back skin and nailed it to the wall. In their conference room. The flimsy story still isn't enough to motivate Alan, and Rogan decides that he's had enough. He plucks the knife from Alan's hands and…

Whoa. You know I was just kidding when I called you a sissy.

Geez, that's a hell of a trick. No wonder no one makes fun of Rogan's effeminate appearance and mannerisms. I might have taken back what I said early, except that he keeps one hand on his hip as he slices Alan's face off. What a queen, even when he's skinning people.

That can't be good for the grass.

So long, Alan. You were a good bit character, even though all you did was alternate between giggling and whimpering.

You got blood on my frigging fluuuuute!!!

Ricky, as usual, is furious at the loss of yet another minor footnote in the story of Ricky. Especially when he finds the bloody flute on Alan's body. He snaps the thing in half, throws his arms in the air, and belts out a hearty "bastard!"


Aw, you're gonna make him cry.

Meanwhile, Rogan is getting chewed out by the AW for letting Ricky find out about their plans for making opium. Now, I'm not an expert in the operation of a prison, but I'm betting that he could prevent slipups like this by, I don't know, locking up the prisoners instead of letting them stroll around the prison as though it were Club freakin' Med!

Rogan's pouting routine is interrupted when he catches sight of a fire in his cell. Someone's burning his poppies! Whoever could it be?

He's en fuego!

It's Ricky, and he's back for revenge. Again. And now, he won't have to worry about interference from Tarzan or… Brandon. Yes, it's man vs. sissy here at beautiful Unnamed Prison garden.

Hut, hut, hike!

After being knocked down by a few of Rogan's sissy slaps, Ricky remarks that Rogan's Kung Fu is unorthodox. As if that were his cue, Rogan launches into a series of weird poses, one of which looks like he's about to hike a football, and another looks as though he were doing that dance from Pulp Fiction. Very unorthodox indeed. Unfortunately, Ricky is so confused by Rogan's androgyny that he doesn't think to block his next move.

Float like a butterfly, sting like a wuss.

Rogan… he… I don't know. He dives at Ricky, and then the camera starts to blur for a moment. Whatever it was, the blow hurls Ricky into the wall, and Rogan informs him that he's hit his "death spot".

Meanwhile, the AW is angered by sight of all the prisoners, spurred by the fire, pouring out of their cells and filing into the yard.

What is it that you guard?
"I want you to go right now and lock up every single one of the prisoners!"

Like you were supposed to in the first place!!! Aside from his "guards", the AW has to deal with phone calls from the police and fire department. More importantly, though, he hears that the Warden is returning from Hawaii. Oh, he's in trouble now. Hoping to resolve the situation in the yard quickly, he orders the guards to "raise the zero alarm."

This is nothing to laugh at!

Ricky, still feeling the effects of having his "death spot" touched, has a vision of his uncle, and this time, he's not laughing. He tells Ricky that he can overcome death, and sure enough, he's right. Ricky slaps himself on the chest, and is back to normal.

I WILL PROVE MY WORTH, DAMMIT!

Then, the ugly midget shows up and hurls his needles at Ricky. When Ricky starts using them to combat Rogan, Brandon realizes that he's a liability and tosses one of his needles to Rogan.

No, throw them like THIS, stupid.

He does much better than Brandon, getting Ricky in the arm with one. You know, if your weapon of choice is wielded more effectively by an untrained friend, what the hell good are you to anyone, huh?

I'll knit you a sweater... of DEATH!!!

Hoping to not be shamed to easily, Brandon throws a bunch of his needles and somehow manages to tie Ricky up in the process. It looks like he's done for, but then Tarzan shows up, saying that Ricky can't die until he gets the chance to fight him. Just then, however, the zero alarm is sounded, and the warning goes out that if they aren't back in their (unlocked) cells in a minute, they'll be shot on sight.

Hey, you're not playing fair, you big jerk!

Brandon and Rogan whine like kids at Tarzan, saying that they need to finish him off and then get back in their cells. Rogan even threatens to kill him too, but he says it with the above look on his face, and who feels threatened by that? Certainly not Tarzan, and when machine guns are fired from some unseen spots on the wall, they go their separate ways, with Tarzan hauling Ricky away for their fight.

Where's James Bond when you need him?

He takes Ricky to a small room somewhere in the prison with a security camera in the corner. Before the fight can commence, the door slams shut, and the room starts to fill with wet concrete. What kind of prison has room in the budget for a room that fills with concrete? Well, it is the future, I suppose. Lucky for Tarzan that Ricky has a plan to escape from the slowly filling room.

Arr, matey!

Well, perhaps calling it a plan is a bit generous. He snaps Brandon's crummy ropes, yanks the camera out of the wall, yells for good measure, and dives through the 2 millimeter thick steel door. Being the good sport that he is, he even brings Tarzan along with him. After all, a couple more hours of that and he would have been in some real trouble.

Yes, that cement will surely slow them down.

The AW comes down to check on the two of them, and finds a cement-covered, but undaunted, Ricky hauling Tarzan around on his shoulders. The AW's guards are worried that Ricky might try something, but he tells them that Ricky will be powerless once the cement dries. You know, never mind the fact that this Wile E. Coyote security measure of his actually worked, but why wouldn't a guy who was able to shatter a dozen tombstones with his bare hands be able to shrug off a thin layer of cement? Well he can't, and the AW steals the poppy leaf Ricky was holding onto as evidence.

They should use this lull to LOCK UP THE PRISONERS!

The next day, the AW and his guards anxiously await the arrival of the Warden. For a little while, at least. Then, they all start slacking off again. Cripes, I wonder if the Warden knows his guards don't lock up the prisoners or really guard anything.

Judge Doom?

Eventually, he does arrive, and he brings his annoying lardass son with him. While the son is around, the AW does as sort of one-man Three Stooges act, slapping the guards around like Moe, taking abuse from the son like Larry, and making weird grunting noises like Curly (or Curly Joe, if you like). Anyway, after the little punk sticks his gum on the AW's forehead, he skips after his father, trips on the red carpet, and starts bawling. "Who rolled out the carpet," he says. "This prisoner," the AW says, dragging a previously unseen prisoner onto the scene. The warden, being a fair guy, gives the prisoner a chance to explain.

Eye eye, captain!

Just kidding. He asks if the prisoner has eyes, and then puts one of them out with his excessively pointy cane. He then tosses the cane to the AW, who does some more Curly by staring dumbfounded at the bloodied cane and draws a cross over his chest. Then, to add insult to injury, the fat kid sticks his tongue out at the one-eyed prisoner.

With formalities out of the way, the AW briefs the warden on what happened during his absence. Some fighting, a few dead prisoners, a couple skinnings, routine stuff, really. When he mentions the loss of the opium stock, the warden fumes. His fuming is cut short, however, when he clutches his chest and demands his medicine. His "medicine" looks more like three different kinds of candy which I guess the director must have thought would look like pills when far from the camera. A nifty idea, but you don't see too many red licorice-sized pills on the market.

Ha, your plaster of Paris has no effect on me!

The AW takes the warden to see the man responsible for single-handedly taking them out of the drug business: Ricky. At first, it looks like he's unconscious, but when the warden draws near, he breaks off the chains and plaster… I mean cement… he breaks off the chains and cement and lunges at the warden. Alright, Ricky! Looks like you're finally going to get your revenge, or do whatever it was that you came here to do.

Jailhouse rock.

Well look who came busting through the wall. It's Chinese Elvis. No wait, it's just Tarzan. He's still waiting for his fight with Ricky, and this time, there's no cement to slow him down.

Oh man, I hate tying knots.

Alright, scratch that. He gets a sucker punch on Ricky while he's grappling with the Warden. Then he grabs Ricky, sticks his arms through the bars, and bends them around his arms to hold him in place while he rains blows down on him.

Phrenology is NOT an exact science.

Tarzan goes for the finisher, applying his patented head-crushing maneuver that, according to the AW, he used to open coconuts with. Coconuts, right. Fortunately, Rick uses his own patented escape maneuver: yelling. It gives him the strength to break the bars AND toss the burly coconut-smasher off him.

And now that the tables have turned, Ricky gives him one of these:

My ashy elbow!

Ouch. His days of coconut-crushing are over. Now, he'll just have to buy split open ones at the store like the rest of us.

Do I have something stuck in my teeth?

But he doesn't stop there, not by a long shot. He wipes some of the blood off his face and hits Tarzan with a move I like to call the Palette Cleanser.

Oh, those hard-to-reach molars.

Oh man. Now he won't even be able to taste the coconuts that he loves so much. I have to give him credit, though; he doesn't let the loss of a good-sized chunk of his chin stop him. He winds up with his good arm and takes one last shot at Ricky. Unfortunately, Ricky also winds up and takes one last shot at him. The result:

A deadly game of knuckles.

He went the distance.

And that's it. With a shattered right elbow, a blasted chin, and a half of his left hand gone, Tarzan finally goes down. What a trooper. The AW doesn't think so, but what does he know?

Seeing that his champion is down for the count, the AW enacts another one of his ACME-brand traps: a mechanical ceiling designed to crush the cell's occupants.

In the future, puerile traps will work.

Ricky manages to halt the descent of the ceiling, and even manages to push it back up. The warden isn't impressed by Ricky's latest show of strength, and decides to show off his new stun gun, which he boasts can produce 100,000 volts of electricity. Of course, it's the current that hurts you, but regardless, the burst of electricity from the stun gun distributed over the entire surface area of the bars and ceiling is enough to knock Ricky down. It looks like the end for our excitable young hero.

Ah, is there anything I can't dive through?

Tarzan is back, and he's pushing the ceiling back up with his shoulder. More incredible, however, is the fact that he can talk even though he surely must have lost his tongue when Ricky gave him that vicious uppercut. He gives Ricky enough time to dive through the bars (which he should have done in the FIRST place, dammit), but doesn't have enough strength left to shuffle on out of the cell. He manages to gurgle out a farewell to Ricky, and then the ceiling crushes him.

Tell Jane I love her!

So long, Tarzan ol' buddy. We'll pass news of your death on to Cheetah.

After the dust settles, Ricky finds a photo on the ground. I guess it's a picture of Tarzan and some relative of his because Ricky starts ranting at the warden about how the prisoners have families waiting for them at home. This can't be news to him. I mean, he made that train for the old guy way back in the beginning of the movie. His forgetfulness gives the warden enough time to trigger the trap door that Ricky had conveniently walked right onto while he was yelling at him. God, what a ninny.

My son looks like a pear, doesn't he?

The latest Bond-esque plan to eliminate Ricky involves burying him alive, with each one of the prisoners shoveling some first into the pit. A couple prisoners object, but they are promptly shot by the guns that the guards have just now started carrying with them. I guess things are just really relaxed around the prison when the warden's gone. So, they all grudgingly go along with the plan.

He's got all the dirt on Ricky that he needs.

After a couple shovels, the AW steps in and hits Ricky with a faceful of dirt. What a jerk. Still, the warden, being the fair and honorable man that he is, announces that if Ricky can survive being buried alive for a week, he'll be a free man. That should be no sweat for the man who dive through steel doors AND play a leaf like a flute.

Night falls, and the other prisoners wonder amongst themselves whether or not Ricky can make it, or if he's even alive at all. Their questions are answered when they hear Ricky's distinct leaf-flute playing. How? I don't know. All I can say is Chi Kun is amazing.

He's just taking a break from chewing on something.

His flute-playing also attracts this dog from… somewhere presumably inside the prison. Unfortunately, it also attracts the remaining two members of the Gang of Four, Rogan Light-Loafers and Brandon Stumpy.

Now that was uncalled for.

Rogan bursts out of that same hole in the ground, shrieking like a banshee, and HE KICKS THE DOG IN HALF!!! Man, what a nutcase.

Sorry Ricky, but we've got to split.  Get it?

Rogan snatches up a small chunk of dog meat, and drops it into the bamboo pipe Ricky is using for air. Then, he and Brandon just walk off. I assumed that he wanted to use the meaty chunk to block Ricky's air supply, but as they're leaving, the pipe splits in half for some reason, and they just ignore it. I hope somebody cleans up those dog halves, though. If you thought a wet dog smelled bad…

I prefer Terrier.

The next shot shows Ricky's head. It kinda looks like he has that dog chunk in his mouth, but it could just be that flute he was somehow playing. Or maybe he was hungry and decided to split his pipe to get the delicious dog meat. After his hearty meal, Ricky drifts off to dreamland, and we get to see what led up to him going to prison in the first place.

Ah, just like high school.

While walking home, his girlfriend stumbled upon a group of guys doing drugs. The group's lookout catches her before she can run off, and for god knows what reason, he brings her back to the hideout of the drug dealer he works for.

I'm INSANE!

The dealer, who sounds just a little bit like Snagglepuss, is understandably furious with his henchman, who has effectively revealed the location of their base of operations. Nevertheless, he takes a look at the girl, who seems to be pretty calm. Then all of a sudden, she goes completely berserk. She starts screaming her head off and runs out of the room, pushing aside the dealer's two henchmen. Then, rather than heading downstairs to flee the building, she heads to the roof, and runs, runs, runs. Right off the damn roof. Seriously, as if she couldn't see that there was nothing else in front of her, she just runs right off the roof.

Wee!

What the hell? The guys that kidnapped her didn't even seem that bad. Frankly, I think it's for the better. I can't imagine what Ricky would have done had he married such an unstable woman.

He should've dressed formal for a mogure visit.

Anyway, Ricky sees his girlfriend's dead body in the morgue, and after doing so, he totally doesn't run off screaming like a madman.

And in the red corner...

The time has come for Ricky's first try at revenge. He manages to figure out who was sort of responsible for his girlfriend's death and faces off with him on the street. The drug dealer pulls out his gun and gives Ricky the five bullets that he mentioned in the beginning. After seeing Ricky take the five shots without slowing down, he just doesn't have the courage to fire that last round. And Ricky goes to work on him.

My spindly leg!

With a flying kick, he breaks the guy's strangely thin-looking leg, and with the dealer down on one knee, Ricky delivers the coup de grace.

Ricky always makes a good impression.

An imprint of his fist in the guys head. Ricky is a frigging artist with the fist. Surprisingly, the dealer doesn't die immediately, but rather he falls to the ground and starts bawling like a baby. What a wuss. One dent in his skull and he starts crying.

With his revenge complete, Ricky walks off… and is presumably arrested at some later time. You know, now that I think about it, this couldn't really be a flashback. After all, how the hell could Ricky have seen his girlfriend's capture and subsequent stunt dive? Maybe it's all just a hallucination caused by eating uncooked dog meat.

He makes it look so easy.

A week passes in no time at all, and it's time to see if Ricky passed the test. Instead of having the prisoners dig him out, as they were the ones who buried him, the warden employs an amazingly precise backhoe. He looks dead, but as usual, it's just an act. He busts out of his chains, does a flip, and lands perfectly amid his comrades.

Like a construction ninja.

The aforementioned backhoe somehow manages to sneak up on Ricky and smack the hell out of him. How the hell does that happen?

I have a class B license!

Well I'll be damned. Not only is this fey young man an expert skinner, he's also a highly skilled backhoesman. He gets Ricky with a flying kick as he's sitting up, and then crosses his arms smugly once again. Brandon joins him afterwards, but seriously, that guy is fucking worthless. The only thing he could do was throw those lame needles of his, and even Rogan can do that better than him. Come to think of it, he hasn't killed a single person yet. What's he even doing in this goddamn movie?

Anyway, getting back to poor Ricky, he awakens to find himself in yet another of the warden's bizarre devices.

Dammit, be practical!

This time, Ricky has been placed on a platform, and is being held in place by a mass of L-shaped steel rebar. He remains defiant, and taunts the warden. Brandon, perhaps seeking to become the warden's favorite, seizes the opportunity and starts smacking Ricky around with a wrench.

I will prove my worth, I swear!

He's so damn ugly. Oh well, at least the poor bastard has finally found something he's good at. Not for long, though. Rogan steps in, once again, to show that anything Brandon can do, he can do better.

Man, that guy fights dirty.

First, he kicks one of the steel rebars right into Ricky's crotch. Looks like we won't be seeing the Story of Ricky Jr. That's just the beginning. You see, he only wanted to get Ricky to open his mouth.

Which hurts more:  the razors, or the rebar in the crotch?

Razors? Lordy. That guy is good. And most people would stop there, but not Rogan. Oh no, not Rogan.

My slapping hand is in dire need of practice.
My adorable face!

Now that is thorough. The warden stops him after a few chops, and pulls off the tape to resume his interrogation. Ricky has only one response for him:

Ew, those razors have spit on them!

A shower of blood and razors. As the warden angrily plucks razors out of his face, he shouts at AW to bring his candy/medicine, and the AW can only give him more of his Curly impression in response.

He broke the other chains easily, but this time will be different.

With interrogation over, they slap him in irons and toss him back in his cell. Perhaps they believe that this time, Ricky won't break out of his chains, even though he was able to do so after being buried alive for seven days straight without water and only a small piece of dog for food. Whatever the case, one of the prisoners non-lockdown prisoners sneaks some rice into Ricky's cell. Ricky happily eats the food and gives the inmate a nod of approval.

Don't worry.  My face will be fine in the morning.

Unfortunately, the informant who narrowly escaped the machete treatment earlier witnesses the exchange. He informs the AW, and the next day, the AW comes by, hooks the inmate, and drags him to Ricky's cell.

Hey Ricky, guess who I killed?  That's right, some guy.

The AW is anxious to torment Ricky with this latest deceased bit player, but when he reaches Ricky's cell, he his astonished to find that the cell is empty.

Sneaky sneaky.

Or at least it seemed empty. The two of them file in, completely unaware that Ricky is above them, and Ricky drops down behind them. He states that he's finally going to kill the two of them, and the informant, thinking that he has a chance, rushes Ricky. Ricky grabs him by the neck, and takes a little off the top.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

At least this time, the dummy used bears a faint resemblance to the original actor. Not like what happens next:

Hyperrealism!

He knocks out the AW's only remaining eye. On the bright side, this means that the AW will get twice as many mints.

Outside the cell, some guards have shown up in response to the AW's agonized screams, but they've seen enough of Ricky to know what he's capable of, and don't approach him out of fear of having their heads sundered.

Not Freddy!  NOT FREDDY!!!

Some other prisoners come to check on the hooked inmate, and declare to Ricky, "Freddy's dead!" Freddy, eh? Good to know, considering that the guy literally had less than two minutes of screen time. Ricky tosses the AW at the guards and rushes outside just in time to watch Freddy pass on. And you know what happens when a bit player dies on Ricky.

The joke's on you.  I can still see.

The AW manages to escape Ricky temporarily, thanks to the director forgetting that the AW's remaining eye is nothing more than a hollow sphere used to store mints. Maybe I'm just being too cynical. It is possible that the AW knows his prison so well that he can easily traverse it without his eyesight. Regardless, photographic memory won't save him from an angry mob of prisoners.

This beer is flat, man.

One of the prisoners smashes a bottle on the railing and stabs the AW right in the neck. They really shouldn't have an open bar in the prison. While doing so, he wisely closes his eyes to avoid the spray of blood that shoots out at him. And believe me, there is quite a shower. The neck wound isn't enough, though.

My squeezin' arm!

Another prisoner comes forward and lops off the AW's remaining arm with a pickaxe. You know, forget about locking up the prisoners, the AW really should have kept a closer guard on all the dangerous objects just lying around the prison. Oh well. It's a lesson he won't have time to learn.

Let me massage that knot in your back.

Right about then, the riot squad shows up, the first one in really starts to whale on one of the prisoners. I mean he really lays into him. So badly, in fact, that the prisoner is able to stand up from the fetal position and fight off the ambitious officer. There's another problem with the prison: the riot squad is equipped with wiffle bats. The mob is pushed back again, however, when one of the troops shows up with a morning star. Ricky decides to step in and take him out, even though his weapon is probably about as deadly as the batons.

Argh, my vinyl jacket is worthless!

He gives the officer a brand new orifice, and he stumbles backward, dead presumably. With his death, the rest of the riot squad lose their nerve and retreat. Yet another thing the prison needs: qualified prison guards.

With total anarchy just around the corner, Ricky grabs the AW and tells him to take him to the warden. The prisoners even decide to help him out by hoisting the AW onto their shoulders and hauling him away.

Dampen that rag, mister.

Meanwhile, the warden is taking a tour of the kitchen with his piece of crap son. After giving an order to significantly reduce the amount of food served to the prisoners, he overhears one of the prisoners grumbling about how poorly the prisoners eat. He cheerfully accepts the criticism.

I wish my grinder was that efficient.

Just kidding. He grabs the prisoner and thrusts his arm into the meat grinder. Once most of the prisoner's arm has been ground up, the warden grabs the meat tray and shows it to the prisoner so he can see just how much meat can come from a single arm. A lot, as you can see.

Sorry. We couldn't find the door.

Just then, the AW comes in through the wall. I guess Ricky was tired of the blind guy trying to lead them to the door. From the kitchen's door, however, comes a guard to tell the warden that all the alarms in the prison are going off. Knowing where to start, the warden draws the strange gun from his belt and advances on Ricky and the prisoners.

Sorry about this, Capt. Hook...

Thinking quickly for a change, the prisoners grab the AW and use him as a shield. The warden, however, doesn't care, and just shoots the AW. And it is then that we find out that that's no ordinary gun he's got.

Ugh, I feel so bloated this morning.

The AW starts to swell like a balloon. Shocking, yes, but more shocking is what the warden says to him: "you're worthless to me, Dan." Dan was the AW's name this whole time? I had no idea. Well, bye bye, Dan.

Bye bye, Dan.

I hope someone laid a tarp down ahead of time. With the human shield gone, the warden turns his gun on the prisoners. Before he can fire a shot, though, Rogan appears and asks of them the question, "who wants to die first?"

Don't forget about us.

Before anyone can volunteer, however, one of Brandon's needles comes shooting through the wall. Ricky plucks it out of the air, and then when Brandon tries to pull it back, Ricky kicks through the frigging wall and knocks the little bastard down. So worthless.

You GET in your POT!

Foolishly believing that Brandon can take care of himself, Rogan tries to put one of the prisoners into a smaller grinder, but Ricky makes it over to him in time to wreck his designs of making a delicious man patty, and the two of them exchange a few blows, but that's not important. Take a look at this:

I got one, I got one!

Old Brandon has finally killed somebody with those puny weapons of his. He even throws him on top of the ducts above the stove for good measure. The remaining prisoners are pissed, though, and are raring to get a piece of this weakling, but Ricky steps in again and tells them to "get away first". And they do, by taking the prison dumbwaiters. They even manage to convince the little fat kid to push the buttons for them, much to the chagrins of his dad.

Smell my foot!

With out of the picture, Rogan and Brandon team up and come at Ricky together. Rogan knocks him into the stove, Brandon drops the ducts onto him and then hits him in the knee with a needle, and Rogan pins him with one foot. Then Rogan just crosses the line.

As gay as springtime.

He dons his smug smile again, and then he arches his eyebrows and wags his fingers in a manner that pretty much annihilate the last vestiges of his masculinity. Oddly enough, it's right about here that the fight starts to turn in Ricky's favor.

Get that dry ice outta here.

Rogan presses his attach and backs Ricky into the prison's giant cappuccino machine, and Brandon rips off one of the pipes so that Ricky gets a back full of steam.

I said smell my foot!!

Rogan moves in to finish the job, but his slow-moving kick is easily dodge by Ricky, and he winds up with his leg in the steaming wreckage. And now, Ricky intends to make sure that Rogan never kicks another dog in half.

He'll never be able to star in Caberet again.

He chops off the stuck leg, and breaks the other with a punch. Then, he grabs Rogan's arms and breaks those too. When he stops screaming, Rogan begs Ricky not to kill him, and I believe that he doesn't kill Rogan. At all. The movie doesn't show it either way, so I assumed that Rogan got off light with just a few broken limbs. Hell, he could probably put those back on with his unorthodox kun fu, or something. Hell, you have to suspend disbelief just to understand the bit about car parks and prisons being businesses.

I shoulda done this a long time ago...

Brandon, realizing that he has no hope of even wounding Ricky on his own, turns tail and runs. The warden, disgusted by Brandon's cowardice, shoots him in the ass with his explody gun as he tries to get away in a dumbwaiter.

So long, loser.

It's about time. I can't believe that he was the last of the Gang of Four to be taken out. What a worthless sack that guy was.

Losers aside, it's time for Ricky's final showdown with the warden. Believing that his gun will have no effect on Ricky, the warden gives his gun to a guard and tells him to escort his son out. And then, the battle commences.

Wash your hands before every meal.

He hurls the table at Ricky, but Ricky hops over it and kicks the warden across the room. But that just makes the warden mad. Mad enough to transform…

It's movie magic, people.

Behold. The warden has turned into a gigantic monster. How else are you going to end a movie like this than with a fight between a freakishly strong young man, and a freak? There's nothing better, I tell you.

Wendy, I can fly!

Anyway, it looks bad early on for Ricky. A punch that would have disemboweled a regular person does nothing to the warden, and he smacks Ricky right through a pillar. Ricky gets back up, stretches a little, and tries the same move again, this time with better results.

I've shoved my hand through better stomachs than yours.

Ouch. As you've figured out by now, though, a mere gaping stomach wound is not going to end a fight. The warden shrugs it off, grabs Ricky by the neck, and hurls him into some nearby ducts. When it finally dawns on Ricky that his blows are ineffective, the warden makes a startling announcement:

We're not so different, you and I.

He's from the same school of martial arts as Ricky: Chi Kun. At this revelation, Ricky remembers what his uncle said about Chi Kun feeding on strength. It doesn't have anything to do with what he does next, but I suppose it's worth mentioning anyways. Ricky does a little roll and gives the warden some impromptu knee surgery.

Ooh, right in the chunky kneecap.

And as he's falling, Ricky gives him the ol' Rib-Tickler.

That guy has a really greasy chest.

I shave my armpits, ladies.

After getting his hand well in the warden's chest, Ricky lifts him over his head, and spots out of the corner of his eye a way to win the fight: by executing the movie's greatest coup de grace. The one the makes all the other coup de graces look like coup de blahs.

Boogie down!

He tosses him in the meat grinder. It's still not that simple, as the warden still has some fight left in him. He even tries to strangle Ricky, but with his lower body being turned into groundchuck, he doesn't have the strength, and Ricky slips out of it and pushes him into the meat grinder amid a downpour of blood.

Say it, don't spray it.

Words fail me at this point.

I'll just let these four pictures show the last moments of the struggle:

Mmm, hamburger.

Man am I hungry. And look at all that freak meat. The prisoners are going to eat like kings.

Out in the yard, however, the battle still rages. Well, it kind of rages. The prisoners clash with the nightstick-wielding guards, and are fighting them to a stalemate. Until Ricky arrives with news.

Behold my freakhead!

He shows them the freak head, and that kills the whole fight atmosphere. I don't think any of them recognized it as the warden's, but it's so grotesque that who would have the stomach to keep fighting? Not them.

I need a running start for a wall that big.

After showing off his trophy, Ricky tosses the head aside and makes a run at the wall. To do what, you ask?

He covered his fist in Orange Glow.

Such shoddy construction.

Yes, he broke down the damn wall. That fiery fist really would have come in handy earlier, but hey, what do I know.

Go and commit larcenous acts in my name.

Ricky turns around and tells the prisoners, "you are all free now!" That's great, Ricky, but you do realize that not all of these guys are innocent old men making toys for their children, right? There are probably a few serial killers and pedophiles in the group that you just liberated. Oops, sorry. Didn't mean to ruin your moment. Amidst the cheers of his fellow inmates, Ricky walks out of the prison, and into whatever else comes next for a super strong escaped convict. The end.

In closing, the Story of Ricky is one of those movies you watch with your friends, and every few minutes, you wind up saying to them, "hey watch this" because of all the crazy crap that happens in the movie. Pet mutilation, intestinal strangulation, effeminate psychopaths, and hamburger. The dialogue: negligible. Between the goofy dubbing and the ludicrous gore, you'll be too busy laughing your ass off to even consider this as a serious movie. And that's why I love it. And I hope you did too. I look forward to seeing the sequel, where Rogan and the fat kid team up to get their revenge on Ricky. Or at least that's what I would have in the movie. Oh Ricky you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind. Seriously, blew it all over the wall.