How To Beat Up The Batman

Batman has been called many things… The Dark Knight… The Caped Crusader… The wall-crawler. (To be fair, this last one, mainly by people who know very little about comic books) Batman, as is widely known, has no actual powers; rather, he’s trained his body to reach the peak of human performance. Then combined it with a detective’s analytical brain, and a high-tech black and gray costume used to sneak about nocturnally with ease… as well as a bright, shimmering yellow belt, containing gadgets.

He’s what’s known in comics as a rich millionaire do-gooder (Iron Man, Moon Knight, etc) one of the more implausible creations to ever appear on the printed page. Gamma-irradiated behemoth? Sure. A man with spider-powers? Okay. Rich guy helping poor people? Yeahhhh, I don’t buy it.

Let me ask you something, are you determined? Really truly single-minded in the pursuit of your goals?

Cause that’s what it’s going to take to beat the Batman. The bad news is this process will take ten years. The good news is, at the end of those ten years, you’ll have taken out the goddamn Batman. That’s a nice little detail to have on your resume.

Step 1: Forget about fighting him. Seek him out and befriend him. Become his pal. Be “there” for him. Get to the point where he’s relied on you and trusts you with his life. Occasionally, do things to reassure him. Point a projectile weapon at him and say, “I’m going to murder you.” Then pretend to shoot him, and say, “Nah, I’m just joking” then hand him back the weapon. Maybe even say, “But I could have…” Now, it’s going be hard, but do your best to say this last part without menace. DON’T let your gaze harden and then drop your head, while eyeballing him in a malevolent manner. If a camera zooms in for a close-up and possible freeze frame on your scowling countenance, push it away. Just try to keep it light. “But I could have… LOL! Who wants lunch?” Like that. Also, avoid repeating lines with an inappropriate intensity. For example, he picks up the tab for the aforementioned lunch and says, “You can get me next time.” Do not mutter, “Oh I’ll get you alright. I’ll definitely... get you… next time.”

On the last day of your tenth year as friends ask him to come over to your desk to help you with a computer game. He may balk at his, as he’s not known as a computer game expert, but be firm, insist he take a look at the screen. “Why not ask him to help you with something he is knowledgeable about?” you ask? I’m sorry, WHO’S GIVING THE TUTORIAL HERE, YOU OR ME? That’s right.

Step 2: When he leans on your desk to get a look at the screen, quickly snatch his wrist, then stand and pivot. Using your superhuman strength hurl him through the roof of the building. Then quickly fly through the hole his body created, shoot him your heat-vision, then grab him and huck him into the fiery Sun.*

*You must be Superman for this tactic to succeed. I hope that part was clear.