Warning: While this article is technically work-safe, it IS reviewing a comic book from 1993 intended for people 18-years-old and up. Considering what's on television these days, this is going to be tame, but still, I had to warn you. Also, I use the term "cock" a few times, mostly because it's pretty funny.
Oh, comic books...why must you lash out so violently? Why must you suffer these spiteful mood swings that inspire you to stab me in the head with your absurdity? Is it because I don't love you the way that I used to? Is it because you hate living in that moldy box in the back of my closet? What can I do to make you happy? Do you want to see other people? Is that it? Why won't you talk to me?
There comes a time in any geek's experience when he realizes exactly what he's just read, and something breaks. It's one thing to be a fan of something, it's another to overlook the absurd nightmarish randomness that sometimes flies under the radar. The thing is, I'm pretty sure anyone who ever picked up the comic I'm going to talk about today will still remember it. Things like this have a way of haunting you until the end of time, and the adventures of a penis-themed super villain from DC Comics is no exception. This article might not be the longest around, but it's not the size of your review, it's what you do with it. As such, let's dive head-first into Doom Patrol issue #70, first published back in September 1993. I've mentioned Doom Patrol on the site before, but for the sake of what you have to swallow today, ignore anything you might remember. Let's get started, shall we?
Ah, Vertigo comics. Your little corner of DC can always be relied upon to provided awe-inspiring and deeply provocative art when it comes to comic book covers. This piece, where we see two women honestly shocked by something below the man in the cock-helmet's waist, is no exception. Of course, if you look at the angle too closely, you might actually notice these women are looking at this guy's ASS, something I don't want to think about, but will nevertheless have to address further in the very near future. Before I really get to explaining the evil mastermind in today's comic, let's check out his origin, or exactly HOW our little villain became a crotch-based criminal.
Sweet Mother Mary, the guy's back story involves having an extremely small penis that he's sensitive about. That can't be it though. Please tell me there's more to it than that. There needs to be. If this is all it takes to become a twisted and nightmarish individual who embarks on a career of genital-driven crime, I'm horrifically frightened of what I thought was a relatively sane world.
Dear God. We've got penile insecurity, impotence, and smug hookers. There's only one thing to do. Build a supersuit and start calling yourself something that will inspire fear in all those that oppose you. Say hello to...The Codpiece!
Wow. I'm almost speechless. The helmet fits the theme and, though I hate admitting it, so do those creepy kneepads. You'll understand why when you're older. The only thing that's awesome about this costume is something you can only see when THE CODPIECE turns around. He'll be flashing us some cheek in a second, but for now I need to pretend to be a little more literate.
This comic was written by Rachel Pollack. You could be into quite a few things and have stumbled upon her name before, as she's apparently established in comic book, tarot card, and transgendered/transsexual circles. While the tarot thing kind of makes sense considering the fact that the Doom Patrol series was revitalized by a heavy infusion of occult symbolism and theory by a chaos magician (named Grant Morrison, you might have heard of him), the gender theory Rachel put into her stories scared a lot of people. I don't find it that weird, but sometimes you just find so much blatant reference to an already taboo topic that, well, you get distracted. I don't know if The Codpiece was introduced to symbolize the male perspective or just to distract you from Rachel also introducing the first transexual/bisexual hooker superhero in this very same issue. I'm fine with either, but between HOLY CRAP THAT GUY'S GOT A ROBOTIC WANG pages you can find the origin story of Coagula.
Coagula gets her powers by sleeping with the Doom Patrol's original transsexual superhero, something that we learn about via a flashback, and a very pastel one at that. This is fairly realistic, as modern man now knows that the past is invariably pink as hell. So while there's a big issue about a man named the Codpiece through this entire comic, there's also a woven narrative introducing a plucky transsexual that got superpowers like an STD from another superhero. Coagula will come back later, but for now, let us bask in the nightmarish majesty that is a man with robotic junk. In fact, let's see how the people react to him when he just starts walking down the street.
In my mind, anything other people say to him are just hallucinations he's having. Wish fulfillment, if you like. If you really saw a guy dressed like he was RoboCop the Stripper, would you really ask "If he gave rides on that thing?" :sigh: By the way, do you like how he designed his costume to include a THONG to show off his spandex-coated ass? I mean, that can't be comfortable. As to functionality, we've just learned that THE CODPIECE is equipped with :ahem: front-mounted cannon. What other toys does he keep within his sack of evil?
Ah yes. Everyone needs a groin-mounted drill for breaking into bank vaults, don't they?
Ignore the plot (which is that Mr. Supercrotch fights ghost mummies until a transsexual ex-prostitute shows up to do something HORRIBLE to him) because today is all about The Codpiece. Here we get to see The Codpiece's "I feel a burning sensation" attack. Oh the terrible burning!
It really takes a special kind of creativity to include a sonic "cockthrob" attack when you start brainstorming ways to commit crimes with your crotch.
Rock breaks scissors, Paper covers rock, Cock cuts Paper. Or something like that. Jesus, why?
What a particularly amazing page of crotch-based destruction. Even if you ignore the Orgazmo super attack (rent Stone & Parker's Orgazmo if you don't know what I'm talking about), we've still got a robotic penis that has an extendable punching fist mounted to it. So instead of just firing lasers and other highly technical tools of mayhem, The Codpiece is literally just beating up cops with his weenis. That's got to be pretty insulting. It's one thing to be beaten up by Lex Luthor and his giant robotic dog or something...it's another thing entirely when you get knob-slapped by a guy in a metal thong.
Based off what I've seen so far, maybe what Mister Mega-Robo-Dong says is true. Maybe nothing CAN stop the power of the Codpiece. I wouldn't put money on that though. Something horrible is going to happen and it's all the fault of one transsexual ex-hooker who wants to touch his junk.
Coagula doesn't have a costume yet, so she puts on her Halloween mask and uses her best "I used to be a prostitute"/"You're an obvious insecure man" charm to work. I'm not sure why The Codpiece is so awestruck by this, but he'll snap to attention any moment now, right?
Codpiece? Honey? Did you chug a pint of Robitussin when I wasn't looking? Or is this what you wanted to hear? Maybe Coagula can be trusted. I mean, your crotch is mighty powerful now. Oh, she wants to touch it. You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Lesson #1: Do not let superpowered transgendered individuals who used to be prostitutes wearing frog masks touch your willy. And here's why:
I think any man out there finds comfort in the fact that women who can melt your genitalia is something that (mostly) exists only in fiction. I didn't mention it earlier, but Coagula has the power to coagulate things and make them dissolve. This is the first time you've really seen her power in action...and the display gets her into the Doom Patrol. So this entire comic is all about building up Coagula's character so she can dissolve a man's super-robot-cock. Thank you DC Comics, this is truly your most amazing moment. By the way, I don't know if The Codpiece ever makes another appearance in comic books, but I can't imagine that's likely.
Doom Patrol #70 is one of those comics that you find and blackout while reading. Your unintended sleep is plague by nightmares of sexual insecurity and melting man-meat. Oh, comic books, why must you do this to me? I'm sorry I cheated on you with those other things. Video games means nothing to me! I'm only seeing the Internet until I can get myself back on my feet! Please stop hurting me, comic books. I beg you.
Oh and since none of us wants to remember The Codpiece in anything besides his state of unbridled genital glory (and not crying around a puddle of what was once his member), please enjoy The Codpiece as he doubles our pleasure, doubles our fun.
I find no joy in knowing The Codpiece has an extra fist for special occasions, but at least his junk is still there....ramming the police in the face. Repeatedly.
Why, comic books, why?