A.C. Green - Sex Education Officer

A.C. Green, world conquering forward for the Showtime era Lakers has volunteered to answer sex education questions from the youngsters at North Gulfport Junior High in Gulfport, MS.

ACGreen

Take it away, A.C.

Question #1 – Mr. Green, Is it possible to get pregnant from giving oral sex to my boyfriend, Daryl?

Oh my. I wasn’t expecting such graphic questions! I’m surprised 14 year-olds are aware of oral sex. I remember when I learned about mouth pleasure. It was back in 1987. Our point guard, Magic Johnson, was in a shower stall with two Laker Girls and they were positioned with their faces in his loin region. Confused, I asked Magic what’s going on? He said he was just showing the girls where a horse bit him. He said his groin was swollen and purple and one of the dancers was a part-time nurse’s aide. It wasn’t until Kurt Rambis explained what was really going on that I learned the details of oral copulation.

As to your matter ma’am, YES you can get pregnant from oral sex. The body digests the fluids and when they go through your bladder they seep into your uterus. The success rate of this manner is very high and there’s only 2 ways to combat it. 1. Chew Trident gum while performing these acts (flouride kills sperm) 2. abstinence.

Question #2 – Yo, A.C. I saw this chick in a porno talk about her ‘clit.’ What’s that and where is it?

Mercy me, kids grow up so fast! It distresses me that 7th and 8th graders are viewing pornographic materials. I guess I come from a different generation. The first adult feature I saw was at James Worthy’s Easter egg hunt. At first I thought everyone was gathered around the television watching Peter Cottontail or some other appropriate holiday program. Imagine my surprise when Byron Scott told me that they were watching Peter Cockinhertail. I finished 3rd in the egg hunt that year (I think Kareem’s kid won) because I couldn’t quit thinking of all the strange gyrations I saw on the TV.

Enough of that, though. The clitoris is the part of the woman’s reproductive system that makes her pregnant. It’s located deep inside her right between her pancreas and gall bladder. Also, when it gets irritated it causes a woman to have a menstrual cycle. You definitely want to stay away from it.

Question #3 – I’ve got my first girlfriend. I’m nervous about touching her boobs. I don’t want to look like I don’t know what I’m doing. What’s the right way to handle her breasts?

I must admit this is somewhat upsetting. I was 27 years old before I saw my first naked breast and I was 39 before I touched a breast. When I was with the Lakers, Coach Riley called me over to his house to discuss my free throw shooting. His only advice was that I was too uptight and relaxing would help my shooting percentage. He then walked me into his basement where many attractive women were rubbing baby oil on themselves and also on Coach’s naked body. He then tried to entice me to inhale a line of what I think was cocaine off the naked posterior of Paula Abdul. Needless to say, my free throw shooting suffered greatly while I tried to cleanse that modern day Caligula scene from my mind.

But…if you insist on touching a female’s breast there’s really only one way to do it. The breasts lack muscles, nerves and other working parts. They’re essentially empty except for milk. That gives you the leeway to handle them as roughly as you please. The female breast responds favorably to aggressive tactics. Slapping, twisting, pinching and biting the breast and particularly the nipple area should bring you the most enthusiastic responses.

In closing, I’d like to encourage all of you youngsters to wait until you’re mature enough before participating in sexual activities. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you and there’s more pleasurable and exciting things in this world than sexual intercourse. But, if you’re going to have sex make sure you use condoms. The proper way to use them is to unroll them and insert them deep inside your lover. Otherwise, you’re likely to wind up diseased and/or pregnant.