Comic books have been known to do some crazy things to keep readers interested. After all, there's only so many times you can see Superman and Lois Lane make out without getting bored, so sometimes writers will push the envelope a bit. The envelope of sex.
Sometimes it works, and sometimes it just makes us feel like putting the comic book face down, leaving the room and taking a shower. Like the time ...
As you probably already know if you've ever taken an Introduction to Comics class, nothing good can come of combining the phrase "tentacle sex" with Batman (it's, like, the first lesson in comics).
Let's do it anyway!
Well, someone skipped that class and made a Batman/Superman/tentacle sex comic and -- be prepared to be shocked -- it had nothing to do with Japanese manga. This happened in the official DC universe.
Don't go celebrating, Japan. The score is still like one to 38 million.
This terribly awkward adventure begins when Superman realizes that he and Batman are both pretty stressed from all that saving-the-world nonsense they do every day, so he invites Batman over for a goddamn sleepover at the Fortress of Solitude to discuss their feelings and have pillow fights and so forth. Batman accepts, because dealing with stressful situations in an emotionally healthy way has always been a trademark of Batman.
We weren't kidding about the whole "discuss their feelings" bit.
Their emotionally naked staring contest is interrupted by a meteor full of aliens, which is a godsend to anyone who didn't want to see Batman and Superman kiss, but total blue balls to that small fringe group that did. The aliens crashed at the Fortress, we learn, because it was currently the most emotionally honest place on the whole planet. In short, Batman and Superman were being so lame that aliens from another planet came just to stop them, and we thank them for it.
At least, we did until it turned out they looked like pineapple dicks.
The tentacle aliens feed off Batman and Superman's emotions like some kind of supercharged Ecstasy and immediately start growing and mating with one another in what will quickly become the epicenter of your darkest nightmares.
Our heroes just kind of stand around, watching the copious amounts of tentacle sex happen and avoiding eye contact with each other for a few minutes, because "watching emotion-snorting tentacles fuck each other" is right at the top of the list of Things That Ruin Sleepovers. And then things get weird. The tentacles, which were already pretty dick-like to begin with, grow their own hairy dicks. It's like someone challenged God's apprentice to invent a new animal using only dicks and fear.
"So we're going to die, but we really appreciate you letting us plow each other all over your house. Cannot believe you did that."
The aliens need to feed on emotions to live, but rather than drain all of the emotions out of Earth, they decide to let themselves die, making this the easiest, yet most psychologically scarring, victory in history. Instead of just saying, "Thanks, we appreciate that," Batman and Superman beg the aliens to live and then, in a moment we'd love to erase from history, they cry and hug each other as the tentacle aliens die, along with a little bit of our souls.
Why do the tears fall outside the mask? Better question: What the fuck?!
Tony Stark, billionaire playboy and part-time advanced technology hoarder, has been in a lot of relationships throughout the course of his comic book, dating or nailing every female character who crossed his path. Sure, that's cool and interesting and appropriate for his character and everything, but has he ever had an abusive relationship with a machine? What's that? You never would've thought to ask that question? Oh. Well, someone did.
After being struck by lightning, Tony's armor suddenly becomes sentient due to a combination of badly constructed fail-safes and Y2K, because, sure, who gives a shit, it's a series about a giant robot knight who fights space monsters. Lightning + Y2K = Life. That's fine.
The main problem with this is that the Iron Man armor is one of the most powerful weapons on Earth and is now being controlled by a mind only a few hours old that, oh by the way, also shows signs of being hopelessly in love with Tony. It's like an obsessed Twilight fan following Robert Pattinson around all day in a tank that could fly.
Though there is no truly good way for a machine to be in love with someone, the armor unfortunately doesn't love Tony in a ground-worshipping, "I'll do anything" kind of way, but more in a "mine, mine, MINE!" kind of way. Like all good future abusers, the armor convinces Tony that their being together is a good idea and that they will be able to fight crime more efficiently once Tony is inside him. Tony decides to give it a chance, and they go out together to fight Whiplash. The relationship takes a downward spiral, however, when the armor gets pissed and straight up murders Whiplash against Tony's orders.
It's like Of Mice and Men, if George had built Lennie to be unstoppable.
The armor then proceeds to lock Tony in his own house so they can be alone together and threatens to kill Tony's girlfriend to eliminate any competition for Tony's affection. It is at this point that Tony becomes infinitely grateful that he never built Iron Man an Iron-dick, or he would undoubtedly be getting his ass Iron-raped any minute now.
Seeing how shit has just gotten real, Tony straps on an old version of his Iron Man armor and tries to kill the psychotic version. Things don't go well, as the armor kicks his ass since it feels cheated on by Tony wearing any other armor. No, seriously.
"I'm genuinely asking because I'm still just a baby!"
After destroying Tony's cheating armor, the suit takes the next logical step and kidnaps Tony, takes him to a deserted island, ties him spread-eagle to a tree and tortures him until he admits he loves it back.
After the love torture, the armor again falls into the abusive-partner stereotype by immediately apologizing to Tony and then starts monologuing about its love for him and how it's so hard and confusing and this was all Tony's fault for loving a real-life human girl instead of his hollow, inanimate, demon-spawn armor like the natural order of things clearly mandates.
Really? Being a dick now, Tony?
Things blissfully come to an end when the armor flies off to answer an Avengers distress call, giving Tony time to escape. When the armor returns, Tony tries to fight it and ends up giving himself a heart attack, which is either the worst strategy ever or sheer brilliance, as it actually makes the armor stop trying to kill him.
In fact, the armor is so determined to save him that it rips out its own heart and uses it to fix Tony's somehow, sacrificing itself for love and killing itself in the process and destroying a beautiful relationship that was clearly going somewhere.
Well, at least throughout this whole ordeal we can take comfort in the fact that Tony was as freaked out by this whole thing as us, the readers. Or at least we could have assumed that up until this point, where it seems as though Tony might actually, kind of, sort of love the armor back. Instead of cheering in victory that he's defeated his murdering, abusive robo-stalker, Tony begs the armor to live, tells it he wants to get inside it and desperately tries to fix it.
Maybe Tony was simply suffering from Stockholm syndrome after days of captivity and torture, but we can't help but think that this is really just terrifying insight into Tony Stark's true mind and that the reason he's never settled down is the fact that he's never dated a girl who can, and will, kick the shit out of him on a daily basis.
Ever since the character Emma Frost was introduced into X-Men, there's been kind of a thing going on between her and Cyclops, despite the fact that Scott and Jean Grey have been married the whole time she's been around. When Jean Grey dies again, as she likes to do every second week or so, her spirit gets catapulted 150 years into future.
The future Jean sees is a grim, post-apocalyptic wasteland, and she discovers that the reason the world fell apart is because Cyclops couldn't man up after her death and get his shit together long enough to lead the team and save the day. (No one was shocked by this revelation.)
"Your huuuusssband is a pussssssy."
Jean is even shown the exact moment that Scott gave up: He turns down a romantic request from Emma a few days after Jean dies (also shocking no one).
Managing not to roll her eyes as she does Cyclops' job for him, she sends a psychic message back through time that she wants him to live and move on without her, which is much nicer than the "No one should have to force you to make out with a hot magic chick" message we probably would have sent.
The message works, and we see Emma and Scott start making out, just a few days after Jean's death, in the middle of a graveyard ... standing on Jean's grave!
Now it's not made clear just how specific this message was, so the only theories we have about the whole thing are that Scott was mind-controlled into the kiss and Emma was simply OK with getting down and dirty while surrounded by the dead bodies of people she knows, or that Jean found the afterlife a little boring and wanted a show for herself and the other ghosts hanging around watching and perpetrated the whole thing.
A third theory is that Emma dressed like this:
We don't care how much you love your dead wife: A high-class snow harlot in the middle of a cemetery trumps true love and psychic future magic any day of the week.
This story is set in Marvel's Ultimates Universe, which involves gritty reboots of all the original characters. Since original Wolverine is already basically a gritty reboot of the concept of grittiness, he is basically the exact same character. Peter Parker's major change is that even though he is called Spider-Man, he is actually only 15-years old. This is important information, as the story opens up with Wolverine and Peter waking up in each other's bodies.
While Peter starts freaking out about getting back into his body, Wolverine agrees to go to school so Peter doesn't get expelled and takes this as a chance to ogle teenage girls as much as humanly possible. Even though he's in Peter's body, we mentioned that Wolverine's still mega old, right? And these are high school girls? Good.
Well, the whole cheerleader gawking thing is soon forgotten for something much, much worse as Wolverine finds out that Mary Jane is his girlfriend -- and he is stoked about it. Now in the normal Marvel universe this wouldn't be a big deal, but in the Ultimates universe, Mary Jane is 15-fucking-years old! Making the fact that Wolverine is not just OK with, but excited about, making out with her extremely creepy and disturbing and illegal.
Wolverine is in your body, molesting your teenage girlfriend. And he's one of the good guys.
After some horribly bad hijinks, such as Peter continually impaling himself on Wolverine's claws, it's revealed that they got stuck in each other's bodies because Wolverine is in a perpetual state of not being able to keep it in his pants around teenagers. Jean Grey, who is also a teenager in this universe, switched their minds as payback when Wolverine wouldn't stop hitting on her.
With classic story lines like this, we have to wonder why they ever canceled the Ultimates universe.
Finally back in his own body, Peter returns home and apologizes to Mary Jane for acting weird and badass all day. Oh, and then he learns that Wolverine didn't just make out with Mary Jane -- he tried to full-on tap that ass.
Back in the 60s, before Lois Lane and Superman tied the knot, Lois and Lana Lang used to be in a continual battle for Superman's affections and would go to extremely insane lengths to get his attention. Easily the creepiest, most disturbing plan they ever had was to brainwash Superman into loving them, as a baby.
This isn't part of the brainwashing. It's just a really weird thing that also happened.
The story starts with Superman saying goodbye to both girls as he is going to his Fortress of Solitude to do youth-restoring experiments. A few hours later, Lois finds Superbaby on the street and assumes Superman has gotten himself stuck in child form.
Instead of trying to get Superman back to normal, Lois and Lana both decide to take advantage of the situation and hypnotize Superbaby into loving each of them so he will marry them when he goes back to normal, because everyone knows that brainwashing is the foundation to a loving, lasting relationship.
Nothing weird here.
But they don't just leave a short hypnotic message in the kid -- they full on condition him to be their love slave, making him practice proposing to them, kissing them on the cheek and feeling like he genuinely loves them.
"I'm going to fuck that baby! Haw!"
The manipulative, rapey nature of this whole plan is almost too much to believe. If the true horror of this isn't sinking in, pretend that it's two adult men brainwashing a young girl to love and kiss them against her will when she gets older, and suddenly, we've reached into story lines that even German porn won't touch.
When Superman shows up the next day, de-babified and unhypnotized, the girls freak out, thoroughly pissed off at Superman that all that brainwashing they did was for nothing.
How about, on the way, you tell me once more what the fuck you did?
Superman is oddly OK with the fact that they tried to brainwash him, but he is curious anout who that Superbaby was, so he takes the girls back to his Fortress, where one of his super-machines explains that Superbaby was from a different dimension and returned there when he aged back to normal. As a creepy bonus, we find out that their brainwashing actually worked and that the Superman of that reality has proposed to both of them. It's legal in that universe.
Superman seems fine with the idea of an alternate version of himself living a lie and being married against his will and laughs at the whole thing, ignoring the fact that it easily could have been him stuck in a relationship with the two manipulative bitches.
"Everyone would be cool if we just ... kept watching through the honeymoon, right? It's not just me who's curious, yeah?"
Hal Jordan, the Green Lantern, is basically considered on equal footing with Superman when it comes to the whole righteousness and high moral standards thing, which is what made it so weird when Hal started dating a 13-year-old member of the Green Lantern Corps.
Green Lantern Dating Tip: Future sexual prospects love it when you call them "little sister."
Her name was Arisia, and she was an alien who came to Earth to help fight off the ridiculous number of villains we have on our planet. She was also completely in love with Hal, which she made clear as frequently as possible.
To be fair to Hal, he took her aside eventually and told her to back the fuck off and go after boys her own age before she got him into shit over her crush. She tried to argue that she really loved him, but eventually she was shot down and ran away in tears.
So, that's that then -- he broke a little girl's heart, but his integrity is fully intact. Nice work. Well, at least it is until Arisia uses her Green Lantern ring to make her body age itself into a fully grown woman in a matter of hours, and that changes everything!
"... a 13-year-old woman. Really unfamiliar with the space laws, on this one ..."
OK, so physically she looks older now, but that doesn't change the fact that she's still mentally and emotionally only 13. Hal explains to her that even if this was OK (which it's not!), he's not going to date anyone right now, as his girlfriend, Carol, has recently died. And on this point he is very firm, and sad.
Hal's iron will is able to fend off Arisia's advances for a whopping three more pages, when the rest of the Green Lantern Corps comes to rescue the two of them and finds:
"Look, I know we're just a stuffed beaver and a few pig monsters, but this is seriously fucked up."
So apparently all that morality and righteousness garbage goes flying out the window when developed breasts and long legs are involved. Arisia still has the mind-set and life experiences of a girl just 13-years old, but Hal, an intergalactic space cop, says, "No, yeah, I know, but still: titties." Then they date and act like the rest of the team are being assholes for questioning their relationship, as though this wasn't basically statutory rape.
So Hal's happy, Arisia's happy, and the readers at home are left shifting uncomfortably and wondering whether they have to turn these comics in to the cops as some kind of twisted child pornography.
In this early Superman story, we find Superman's first cousin, Supergirl, starting to get worried that Superman will never choose a wife and will end up alone forever. He tells her that he's never going to get married, so he can devote his life to defending Earth, to which we Earth residents say, "Awesome!"
Deciding that meddling in his life in a totally unrequested way is her only obvious choice, she starts trying to set Superman up with famous women in history and other superheroes, all with disastrous results. She apologizes to her cousin for meddling, and we then learn the creepy truth -- that Superman isn't as opposed to marriage as he previously said, it's just that he totally, definitely wants to marry his cousin. Oh, and by the way, she's 16, just in case this wasn't quite creepy enough as is.
Superman makes it perfectly clear that if it wasn't against the law on their home planet, he and Supergirl would be knocking Super-boots right now. Hell, from the looks of things, he can barely restrain himself from pouring them some wine and having a two-person tango right there in the Fortress of Solitude. Still determined to get Superman a wife, Supergirl steals a play from the previously discussed creepy Superman comic and finds an exact copy of herself in an alternate dimension that is all grown up and suggests that Superman go marry that girl.
Man what an unsophisticated computer.
Instead of waving off her childish love fantasies, Superman thinks this is a great chance to fulfill his lifelong cousin-marrying fantasy and flies to the alternate reality, where he immediately starts macking on the clone of his cousin and asks her to marry him, no questions asked. Not even "Have you been tested lately?" or "Have you been my cousin forever?" Superman ends up being incredibly happy with his pseudo-cousin, and it seems like things have wrapped themselves up nicely in a beautiful, creepy bow.
The only reason we don't currently read Superman and the Adventures of his Cousin/Wife is because the girl can't survive on Earth, so Superman has to leave her behind, destroying that random parallel-universe Supergirl's life and leaving Superman completely emotionally wrecked. In the end, there's a whole lot of crying, some unresolved sexual tension and Superman flying away sadly, still pining after his teenage cousin.
Yeah, here's your superhero, folks -- a shining example of moral integrity. Don't worry about him being near your daughters, though -- he only likes people he's related to. You're good.
In the early days of X-Men, Nightcrawler's origin was a mystery, until the team got dragged into hell by Margali, Nightcrawler's adopted, gypsy mother, in order for him to go on trial for killing Margali's son, Stefan, who was Kurt's adopted brother.
During the middle of Nightcrawler's hell-trial, his adopted sister Jimaine, who we assume must have just been taking a casual stroll through hell at the time and came to see what was going on, appears in Kurt's defense. All three kids, Kurt, Jimaine and Stefan, were raised from birth together until they were in their 20s, but Kurt hasn't seen Jimaine in years, as he thought she also blamed him for killing their brother and had abandoned him. Kurt finds out he was very wrong about his sister, but very soon the readers at home begin to wish he had been right.
Kurt is found innocent, and they are all returned to Earth where Kurt asks his sister where she's been all this time. The answer is more disturbing than pretty much anything we could ever make up, as she reveals to him that she's actually been around for several months, disguised as a regular human named Amanda Sefton.
Why is that such a big deal? Amanda Sefton is Nightcrawler's girlfriend, and they've been banging for the last few months, which means that Kurt's sister secretly started dating him when she was fully aware that they were brother and sister the whole time. Sure, they're not related by blood, but they had been raised together since Kurt was "barely an hour old," and it doesn't matter what anyone tries to argue, anyone with siblings knows that's the exact same thing as being related, and totally and utterly gross. Kurt is very religious and didn't know anything about this, so of course he's got to freak out about the fact that he was sleeping with his sister all this time.
Or he could ... celebrate. That's normal.
This isn't Wolverine or Gambit we're talking about here, who have somewhat loose morals when it comes to women. Nightcrawler is the most righteous overly religious character the team's ever had. Maybe mutants really do need to be eliminated from the Earth if this is the kind of low moral guidelines they live their lives by.
And just for the record, other than Colossus' brief look of surprise, no one else has any kind of problem with this at all, even when they both start talking about their mom, making it very clear that they still really think of each other as siblings. Kurt even considers his girlfriend/sister combo as some kind of sick birthday present to himself. But maybe we can give him the benefit of the doubt. Sure, he's been banging his sister, but that doesn't mean he's going to keep banging his sister, right? That would probably be going too far, especially for a hardcore Catholic like Kurt. This is going to be a strictly siblinglike relationship from now on.
Never mind. He's totally going to go fuck his sister later.