1. Duke NukemWhen the world decided it didn’t need Mr. Nukem’s chauvinistic, bullet-spitting ways, it cast him aside like a spent shell casing. Disgruntled and disillusioned, Duke sought an outlet for his machismo-fueled rage. He entered himself in a series of mixed martial arts competitions- but was quickly thrown out of the league due to a liberal use of brass knuckles and lit cigars. After a few years of unemployment he finally landed a job as an umpire for little league t-ball games. He has been known to instigate fights among the childrens’ parents- simply so he can throw a few punches. For entertainment he frequents the Detroit area “Chubby’s,” a topless bar with more “ample” employees.
2. Doctor EggmanEver since protests by PETA and allegations of animal cruelty got his doctorate taken away, Dr. Eggman has been attempting to stage a return to the scientific community. Unfortunately, there is no immediate need for devices that “suck up rings” and large, levitating demolition contraptions. These setbacks have forced Eggman to change the direction of his comeback. Using his odd physique, Dr. Eggman is currently developing a line of clothes for pregnant women and obese mad scientists, aptly titled “Bigger-Einstein’s”.
3. Earthworm JimEven though he doesn’t have any bones, Earthworm Jim has managed to maintain his impressive musculature, right up to the twilight of his career. Now that he is finally off LSD, Jim has tried to launch an acting career. Mr. Jim is now working on a series of videos promoting his new workout equipment, which he describes as being, “like a ‘Total-Gym’ but with less Wesley Snipes and more slinkys”. He is currently dating the neglected fourth Kardashian sister, Merriam.
4. Psycho MantisAfter his stint in the Metal Gear series, Psycho Mantis tried to sign on to various reality shows. While he was rejected by “The Swan,” he did have a brief appearance on “The Real World; Road Rules-Patriots of Autumn Edition”. There, his sexuality was called into question by Tina- a hermaphrodite tattoo artist. Some romance with the hunky (but confused) Brian ensued- but ultimately Psycho ended up leaving the show empty handed. Today he works in the United States carnival circuit- guessing peoples weights (and deepest fears) with remarkable accuracy. It is rumored that he is trying to obtain a new show, similar to that of John Edward’s “Crossing Over,” but with more spandex.
5. NessShortly after he grew too old to be part of the “Earthbound” series, Ness caused some incidental “PSI-related” burnings and began to drink heavily. After years of addiction to a combination of crushed up Percocets, Peppermint Schnapps, and pop-rocks, Ness finally allowed himself to be admitted to rehab. There he further honed his yo-yo skills, and rediscovered his childhood exuberance. He left rehab and promptly moved to the Florida coast, where he now owns a successful used sporting goods store. He doesn’t sell any bats, but keeps one under the counter for protection.
6. Captain FalconUsing the immense popularity and wealth he garnered from the F-Zero circuit, Captain Falcon eventually opened a series of mechanics shops, go-kart tracks, and a charity to help impoverished children earn their licenses. Recently however, Mr. Falcon has run into legal trouble after earning his second DUI in one year. On the second occasion he began trying to kick the police officers on the scene, while screaming his name as loudly as possible. Although his lawyers got him out of any serious legal ramifications, the event scored over 3 million hits on YouTube- significantly tarnishing his image. He has befriended David Hasselhoff as of late.
7. The BattletoadsOnce their game series was canceled, the Battletoads (Rash, Zitz and Pimple) began to vie for their own breakfast cereal. General Mills initially backed the product- but it turned out that the cereal was little more than dehydrated oats and sugar-infused-cardboard, dyed green, then shaped like frogs. Following this failure, the toads briefly joined WWE, but the stunt ended in disaster when the toads learned the hard way that the wrestling was staged. It took around a week to clean the blood off the mats in the ring. A television special “A Very Amphibian Christmas”, guest starring the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” is apparently in the works.
No network has picked it up yet.