North Korea: Craziest Country In The World

When Superheroes Go Bad

In honor of Uncanny X-Force receiving a perfect 10 for issue #18's conclusion to The Dark Angel Saga, we wanted to take a look at other heroes whose fall from grace made for a great read. There are many reasons why a supposed good guy might go bad – fear, brainwashing, cosmic birds – but what makes them so exciting is just how far down we get to see each hero fall.

Some of these stories are well over 20 years old, but just to be safe: there be spoilers here.


Rick Remender started Uncanny X-Force with an arc where the secret strike team of mutants killed a child version of Apocalypse. Little did they know, Angel was the heir to big, blue, and ugly, which led to The Dark Angel Saga. Angel transformed into a rather badass version of Archangel and rallied his own Four Horsemen in an effort to wipe out the world and rebuild it in his twisted image. He almost succeeded, too. This embodiment of Apocalypse was determined and put forth his plan with deadly accuracy, but he forgot about a little thing called love.

Angel's lover Psylocke went so far as to become his new Death, and almost succumbed to evil herself, but in the end she was able to break free and defeat him with the mysteriously powerful Life Seed. The taint of Apocalypse was eradicated, but it left Angel without any memory. The entire Dark Angel Saga was enthralling, exhilarating, and extremely violent from beginning to end, and that is what has made it an instant classic. In fact, we recently gave it the distinction of being the Best Story Arc of 2011 in our end-of-the-year awards. Uncanny X-Force continues on, and we cannot wait to see the consequences of Angel's actions and how Psylocke will deal with erasing the man she loved.


The Teen Titans got a new member who was cute, powerful, and held the affection of Beast Boy (then known as Changeling). Little did they know, Terra was secretly acting as a mole for Deathstroke the Terminator. In New Teen Titans #34 it was revealed to the readers that she was a traitor, but it wasn't until the final issue of The Judas Contract (Tales of the Teen Titans Annual #3) that her true motives were revealed to the team. Terra was tricked into thinking Deathstroke had betrayed her and therefore she set out to kill him and the Titans by collapsing his underground lair, but in her rage she only ended up killing herself.

Terra was a great character who provided a lot of friction to the team. Once readers found out she was evil, every issue leading up to her eventual demise had a juicy layer of tension on top. Beast Boy fell for her but Raven hardly trusted her in the first place. Even though Raven was right, it was Beast Boy who took it the worst because he truly believed her to be a hero up until her final moments.

The Sentry

Readers' first introduction to the Sentry came when Marvel revealed a lost Stan Lee Silver Age super hero. It was a hoax, but it was also a theme for the Sentry that what you see is not exactly what you get. The Sentry was said to have the power of "one million exploding suns," and while we are still scratching our heads to what that means, he was a likeable character named Bob who slowly discovered he not only had super powers, but he once had ties to Marvel's most famous heroes. However, as he began to recover his memories, a dark force called the Void was also regaining its powers.

In a one-shot called The Sentry vs. The Void, it was revealed that the Sentry and the Void were two parts of the same person. It turned out that Reed Richards and Doctor Strange made Bob and the entire Marvel Universe forget he was the Sentry in order to rid the world of the Void. At the climax of the issue, Bob once again sacrificed the memory of his life as a super hero to defeat the Void. It might have started as a hoax, but it ended up being an incredibly well-done thriller that also paid homage to Marvel's Silver Age.

After the destruction of his hometown of Coast City, Hal Jordan cracked and went mad in an attempt to find enough power to restore it. Using a Green Lantern ring for that purpose was forbidden, but that did not stop him from making a green beeline to Oa, killing many of his Lantern brethren on the way. In a last ditch effort to stop him from assimilating the Central Power Battery, the Guardians of the Universe resurrected Sinestro to do battle. Jordan broke the neck of his nemesis, destroyed the Guardians, and absorbed all of the power within the battery before naming himself Parallax. He crushed his old ring beneath his boot for good measure.

Hal Jordan's fall is one of the ugliest on this list. Readers felt for him as he tried to deal with the murder of the seven million people in his hometown, but in his rage he ended up becoming a murderer himself. While he would eventually go on to exonerate himself due to the influence of the fear entity Parallax, the Emerald Twilight story arc remains one of the most intense, brutal, and nasty stories in Green Lantern history.

Turns out that Bucky's aw-shucks image as Captain America's sidekick was all a ruse. While Cap was taking the fight head on during a mission, it was Bucky's job to sneak in the back and use his training as an assassin to take out high profile targets. Ed Brubaker transformed Bucky from a joke into something cool and dangerous, which made his return after his apparent death all the more nefarious.

The Winter Soldier - an elite Russian assassin with a domino mask and a robotic arm - was committing countless assassinations, and it was up to Cap to stop him. Cap came to realize it was Bucky, but he could not talk any sense into him because of the extensive brainwashing by the Soviets. It took the power of the Cosmic Cube to bring back Bucky's old memories, which caused him to feel tremendous guilt for the atrocities he had committed.

Eventually Bucky came to terms with what he had done, even going on to don the mantle of Captain America himself. But his story of manipulation, identity, and second chances has defined him as a forever-troubled character with a violent past.

Superboy Prime

Superboy Prime's story has a lot of complexities, but one attribute of his has always stayed constant: he likes to whine. And whine and whine and whine. He comes from a universe where DC Comics publishes stories about superheroes, and he just happens to be named Clark Kent and discovers he has Superman's powers. Through a lot of elaborate plot devices, he helped save the universe, and then he wound up in a pocket dimension. From there, he secretly watched the world's heroes lose their way and, in his mind, become aberrations of the heroes he grew up reading about in comics. It drove him insane.

And so he punched the wall of reality during Infinite Crisis. Yup, the infamous punch that brought Jason Todd back to life and changed several origins. After a mind-bending journey through time and space – where he destroyed existences and battled himself – he somehow wound up back at his home. Unfortunately for him, everyone had read about his villainous exploits in the comics and knew how evil he was, giving him yet another thing to whine about.

A group of youths accidentally witnessed their parents murder a girl in a sick ritual, revealing them to be a horrible group of super villains called the Pride, so the kids ran away (hence, Runaways). Little did they know, there was a traitor amongst the Runaways that was still loyal to the evil parents. This traitor was unknown for a bulk of the series until Alex systematically took down his peers in a stunning display. How could he? He was their leader!

As part of the Pride's ritual for the Gibborim, only six people were allowed into a new utopian world, and Alex planned for those spots to go to his parents along with his love interest Nico and her parents. Too bad for him, Nico's response to his plan was a punch to the face. She helped rescue her friends and fought against Alex, which resulted in the magical Gibborim killing both Alex and the Pride.

Matt Murdock has had it rough. He lives a life full of pain and misery as both Matt and Daredevil, plus he was played by Ben Affleck in the movie adaption. Things got to their worst when he became the new leader of the Hand ninja group in the Shadowland storyline. He constructed the Shadowland temple from the ruins of a building in Hell's Kitchen and dolled out justice how he saw fit while wearing his new black duds. His most shocking action came when he murdered his greatest rival Bullseye the same way Bullseye had once killed Elektra.

Murder doesn't really fly within the superhero community, so Daredevil was besieged by the likes of Spider-Man, Ghost Rider, and Iron First, who discovered that he was being controlled by the demonic Beast of the Hand. After his best friend Foggy failed to get through to Matt and most of the heroes had fallen in battle, Iron Fist managed to deliver a healing chi blast to the possessed Daredevil.

This gave Elektra a chance to help purge the demon from Daredevil and whisk him away to safety. While the event received mixed critical reception (landing on IGN's Worst Comic Book Events list), it was a landmark event for the character that showed just how dangerous Daredevil could be.

The Plutonian

Daredevil eventually turns his life around and puts a smile on, all thanks to Mark Waid. But Waid is also responsible for one of the most heinous superhero stories ever told: Irredeemable. It stars the Plutonian, the world's greatest and most powerful hero. However, after becoming fed up with his personal relationship and the harsh criticism he faced from society, he snapped. However, when a Superman-class being snaps, it's not quite the same as a regular Joe throwing a tantrum. He killed his entire hometown of Sky City with a population of over three million people and then went on to sink Singapore into the ocean. Irredeemable? Sounds like the perfect title to us.

Waid has built a whole series that examines the concept of the fallen hero. Plutonian had the best powers, a girl, and a world of respect, but not the mental capacity to handle the hardships that come with being a hero. If you thought sinking Singapore was bad, just wait until you see what he does to a group of villains who try and recruit him, or a young super hero who attempts to reason with him. One thing is for sure… it ain't pretty.

The mother of all fallen hero stories: The Dark Phoenix Saga. Even Remender's storyline borrows in name from this classic epic superhero tale, and with good reason. While Jean Grey embodied the Phoenix for nearly two years, it was not until she fell under the influence of the Hellfire Club that she began to show her darker nature. Mastermind did his job a little too well and the Phoenix completely succumbed to evil, transforming into the Dark Phoenix and going off to devour a star.

She was just having a snack, but at the cost of billions of lives that inhabited that star system. This caught the attention of the Shi'ar Empire, who wanted to execute her for her murderous actions. In X-Men #137, the X-Men fought the Shi'ar Imperial Guard in a trial-by-combat, and when Cyclops took a hit, the Dark Phoenix emerged once more. In a desperate act of heroism, Jean Grey took control long enough to kill herself with a Kree disintegration weapon.

Uatu the Watcher closed out the story with the now famous words: "Jean Grey could have lived to become a god. But it was more important to her that she die... a human."

Kim Jong Il dead: 17 bizarre details about the Dear Leader's life

Kim Jong-il

Kim Jong Il has died of heart failure at the age of 69 - after 17 eccentric years as North Korea's 'Dear Leader'.

The dictator issued strange decrees and fed the personality cult around him. Here are 17 of his weirdest moments...

1. His official biography claimed his birth was foretold by a swallow and led to the appearance of a double rainbow along with the emergence of a new star in space. He went on to spread the myth among his subjects that his mood could control the weather.

2. You may not be aware of this, but Kim Jong-Il was the world's greatest golfer... According to an official government handout marking his 62nd birthday, Kim celebrated by demolishing a par 72 course in just 34 strokes, managing a world record five holes-in-one on the way. To top it all, the superhuman round was apparently the first time he had actually played the sport.

3. In 2006, German giant rabbit breeder Karl Szmolinsky was contacted by Pyongyang, asking if they could buy 12 of the bumper bunnies. Having seen the massive rabbits in a newspaper, Kim planned to set up a breeding programme to boost meat production in the famine-hit country. Despite Szmolinsky warning the rabbits would make the situation worse - they only yield about 15 pounds of meat and have a huge appetite for carrots and potatoes - Kim insisted the animals should still be sent. Szmolinsky claims once the animals arrived Kim ate them himself as part of his birthday celebrations.

4. In 2004, a former chef for Kim revealed the North Korean leader employed staff to make sure the grains of rice served to him were absolutely uniform in size and colour.

5. In 2010 Kim Jong-Il banned the World Cup from being broadcast in North Korea unless the national team won. The communist country's state-run TV stations were ordered not to broadcast live matches or games involving other nations, with only heavily edited highlights of North Korean victories permitted to be screened.

6. Hacked off by the lack of film-makers in his native land, in 1978 Kim arranged for two South Korean directors to be kidnapped from Hong Kong and brought to him. They tried to escape but eventually relented, making a string of movies for him including the cult Godzilla rip-off  Pulgasari.

7. After being told by doctor's to give up smoking in 2007, Kim quit then decided he needed to go one step further to protect his health and so outlawed fags for the rest of his compatriots with a nationwide ban.

8. According to Russian emissary Konstantin Pulikovsky, who travelled with Mr Kim by train across Eastern Europe, Kim had live lobsters air-lifted to the train every day which he ate with silver chopsticks. Where did all his food go? An official biography on the North Korean state website declared Kim Jong Il did not defecate. The biography has since been removed.

9. After suffering a back injury following a horse riding accident, Kim was prescribed painkillers. Fearful of becoming addicted, he ordered a half-dozen of his closest staff to receive the same injection under the logic that if he became dependent, he wouldn't be the only one.

10. As well as being something of a foodie, Kim knew his booze. According to Hennessy, Kim was one of their single biggest customers, importing £350,000 worth of the cognac every year.

11. In 2004 he claimed to have invented the hamburger.

12. One of his unofficial titles was The Central Brain.

13. He once wrote six operas in two years.

14. He has collected more than 20,000 foreign films - with his favourites including Rambo and Friday 13th.

15. He was a keen roller-blader.

16. During a 2001 visit to Moscow by rail he had roast donkey flown to his train every day.

17. In the 1950s he built an entire city called Kijong-Dong that was designed only for propaganda. To this day it has no residents.

Top 5 Lies Guys And Girls Tell

National Handwashing Awareness Week (4 - 10 December)

Dog People vs. Cat People: The Surprising Differences

Morning Links

Dog people: 15% more likely to be extroverts
Cat people: 11% more likely to be introverts

Dog people: 36% more likely to use a pop song as a ringtone
Cat people: 14% more likely to cling to friends at a party

Dog people: 67% more likely to call animal control if they happen upon stray kittens
Cat people: 21% more likely to try to rescue stray kittens

Dog people: 11% more likely to say they'd support cloning, but only for animals or pets
Cat people: 17% more likely to have completed a graduate degree
Dog people: 18% more likely to consider Paul McCartney their favorite Beatle
Cat people: 25% more likely to consider George Harrison their favorite Beatle

Dog people: 9% more likely to think of zoos as happy place
Cat people: 10% more likely to send messages on Twitter

Dog people: 30% more likely to enjoy slapstick humor and impressions
Cat people: 21% more likely to enjoy ironic humor and puns
We try not to be celebrity-obsessed here at Cracked; we don't know whether Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are still married, we don't know which leading men are secretly gay and we have no idea why OJ doesn't make hilarious spoof movies anymore.

But some prominent people have permanently changed the culture, and it's worth understanding what made them tick. Especially when you consider the fact that (according to some theories) small, arbitrary events in their lives completely changed the world.

For instance, some say ...

#5. Michael Jackson Acted Like That Because He Was Chemically Castrated

For those of you who only knew Michael Jackson as the washed up, deformed, crazy pedophile with his own amusement park, you should know that at one time he was the most famous entertainer in the world. Not because he was nuts -- he wasn't, back then -- but because the world thought he was goddamned amazing to watch. What we're saying is, in spite of all the other weirdness and chaos surrounding his crazy life, MJ's vocal talent was undeniable.

Hey, speaking of voices, did you ever notice how Michael's voice never really changed?

Here he is at about age 11, singing like an angel sent from Jesus above. And again at 15, same tenor. And here he is at age 22 ... his speaking voice is almost higher.

That's ... kind of weird, right? For comparison (we're so sorry), you should have a few listens to Donny Osmond. Donny was about Michael's age and enjoyed a similar career for a while there. Here's Donny singing with an admirable little baby voice in 1972. Notice what happens, though, two years later when he banters with MJ at the 1974 Oscars.

It's like listening to a mouse and Barry White try to carry on a conversation. A few years later, while Michael was putting together his world-changing Off the Wall album, Donny was serenading Miss Universe contestants with his man-voice. (Once again, we're sorry.)

Donny's career also suffered from constant attacks by ivory poachers.

So what's the deal?

Well, one professor of vascular surgery thinks that Michael's consistently high voice was the key to understanding everything about his adult career. (No word if it explains the spangly military uniform phase, though.)

The Theory:

It was all due to some medication he took.

The kind that's been known to grow boobs on male patients.

When Michael Jackson was 12 years old, he started getting zits. Because remember, he was just a normal kid back then, and zits and occasional deodorant misfires are what happen when you're normal and you're 12.

What wasn't normal, according to Alain Branchereau, was the way Michael's entourage dealt with his face volcanoes. Branchereau's theory is that Michael's family or doctor or the devil in a dermatologist mask treated Michael's acne with a hormone called cyproterone. And it's a good thing, because look at this pepperoni pizza head someone tried to pass off as a human:

Don't look at it directly, lest you anger the spirit that laid its curse upon it!

But the thing about cyproterone is that it is a synthetic anti-male hormone -- a drug that knocks the man right out of you by blocking puberty itself. According to Dr. French House, the drug stopped body hair from growing and affected bone growth, leaving Michael with a boyish, narrow, hairless body. Most importantly, cyproterone kept the larynx from growing, which was why Michael's voice never changed, why he kept singing throughout his teens without a hitch and why as a full grown man he had a three-octave range.

In other words, Michael Jackson was a castrato. A eunuch.

Just think for a brief second what this would mean if it were true. All that Neverland nonsense and weird sleepover claptrap wasn't about the gross stuff we all wish we never heard about -- it was about a literal little kid living in a (kinda) grownup body. And the really weird stuff, like the oxygen sleep chamber and the plastic surgeries and the whole drippy hair look, maybe that was just about a very messed up boy with unlimited wealth making horrible decisions -- the same horrible decisions any other 12-year-old with unlimited income would make. Didn't you ever buy the bones of the Elephant Man or share a bed with Corey Feldman when you were a kid?

Or convince him to become your living clone?

The point is, maybe, just maaaayyyybe all the parts about Michael Jackson that made us uncomfortable had a biological cause. Unfortunately, we'll never know. But wouldn't it be nice to pretend, even for just a moment, that everything that happened after Off the Wall wasn't really Michael's fault?

#4. Kurt Cobain's Left-Handed Guitar Killed Him

As the poster child of the "Musicians Who Died at 27" Club (I Love the '90s Edition), you're probably already familiar with Kurt Cobain's life and legacy: He was a depressed heroin addicted guitarist who committed suicide before he could defeat his own demons. Not that anyone was surprised; as a prototypical self-destructive rock star type, he was destined from birth to live fast and die young, right?

Well ... maybe not.

A human life is more complicated than that. And some biographers have speculated that it was one small, seemingly inconsequential decision that led Kurt Cobain down the road to heroin addiction and death. One decision, made in one moment.

And no, we're not talking about the sweater OR Courtney Love.
The Theory:

Once Cobain's heroin habit was in full swing, he went on record blaming a mysterious stomach ailment for his addiction (heroin is one hell of a pain killer). He described it in an interview as one of the two major sources of pain that influenced his music. How bad was it? Approximately this bad ...

"Halfway through the European tour, I remember saying I'll never go on tour again until I have this fixed because I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to fucking blow my head off, I was so tired of it."

Which is saying a lot when your career can produce brilliant moments like this.

In 1993, not long before Cobain broke his promise about not having a gun, a doctor diagnosed the pain in his stomach as a pinched nerve in his spine caused by scoliosis (a curvature of the spine that some people have to get corrected with surgery). So, scoliosis led to horrible pain, which led to Cobain self-medicating with heroin. This diagnosis was probably why he was a rock star, not a doctor.

But let's go back a little further. Years before the burden of back and stomach pain drove Mr. Love to opiates, he took up the guitar. Like, literally picked it up. And the teenage Cobain had a choice to make: left-handed, or right? See, Kurt could go either way -- he was ambidextrous, but learning how to play on a left-handed guitar is a pain. That's why left-handed guitarists like Paul Simon, B.B. King and Noel Gallagher just didn't bother, they straight up learned on the rightie.

Noel, by the way, is also right-handed at being a complete douchebag.

Not Kurt. Probably for the same reasons he chose the wife he did, he went for the left-handed guitar. Makes sense. He liked doing things the hard way. The problem was that playing left-handed was the worst thing he could have done for his scoliosis:

"Kurt's spine curved out a bit on his right side, but it was made worse by the fact that he played guitar left-handed (and thus held his guitar with his right shoulder). Ironically, Cobain was naturally right-handed, and it's been theorized that had he played guitar that way, the spinal curvature may have corrected itself over time."

A guitar is heavy, and he had that strap on his right shoulder a lot -- think about all the hours spent practicing alone and rehearsing with the band and just messing around. All that time, the strap on the right shoulder, that weight bending his spine painfully further in the bad direction, for weeks, months, years.

Add to that his decision to constantly jam his guitar into the amps, using his right side.

Over more than a decade of this, the scoliosis keeps getting worse, which leads to his chronic stomach problem, which leads to his heroin addiction, which leads to his suicide. All because he picked the wrong guitar.

That's the theory, anyway.

#3. Thomas Jefferson Had Asperger's

We know what you're thinking: bullshit. Everyone's playing so fast and loose with Asperger's diagnoses you'd think the disease was a pair of boobs. At this point, the list of symptoms for this form of autism is so universal that basically it's "If you're awkward at parties, you have Asperger's."

But despite all of the people casually throwing the Asperger's tag around, it is still an actual syndrome with actual symptoms and actual sufferers. And one guy has made a pretty compelling case for Thomas Jefferson being one of them.


"Jesus, Tom. Can we talk about something besides anime for a minute?"

First up, we need to make sure you're clear on which Founding Father was Thomas Jefferson. He was the one who wrote the Declaration of Independence, and also the one who was the third president of the United States. He bought us Louisiana Plus and had a long term affair with his slave, Sally Hemings, who was also his wife's half-sister. He also spoke five languages, designed his home Monticello and invented the SWIVEL CHAIR.
Making him the godfather of office shenanigans.

So, no matter what everyone says about his stupid hair, there's no denying he was a smart cookie. Here are some other facts about Thomas Jefferson:

It was these little idiosyncrasies, plus a host of others, that led one journalist/novelist to conclude that maybe our third president had a little case of the autism. The Asperger's autism.

With an occasional outbreak of leaf-head.

The Theory:

According to Norm "The Legend" Ledgin, and also a few autism experts, there are 13 hallmarks of a person with Asperger's syndrome, and you only need four for a diagnosis. Jefferson met five:

  • Marked impairments in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body posture, and gestures to regulate social interaction

  • Lack of social or emotional reciprocity

  • Encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus

  • Apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals

  • The disturbance causes clinically significant impairments in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning
Insistence upon dressing like Prince.

We could start with his eccentricities, which were so pronounced that people who visited Jefferson walked away baffled. Like how he kept an uncaged mockingbird around him while he worked and greeted state visitors in dated, threadbare, worn-out clothes, some of which were too small for his body.

"His setness, for instance, in wearing very sharp toed shoes, corduroy small-clothes, and red plush waistcoat, which have been laughed at till he might perhaps wisely have dismissed them."

You got that right? That people were laughing at him? It's hard to get that when looking at old pictures, but in his day, Jefferson was a bit of a clown. Well, OK, so he was a bit odd. That alone doesn't qualify him for a "syndrome" of any kind -- otherwise half the people reading this have it.
He also had nightmarishly long arms.

But then you have to combine it with his other traits, such as his obsessing over tiny details for no rational reason. He obsessively recorded everything in writing -- the weather, animal sightings, recipes, gardening crap and every little change he wanted to make to Monticello, which, by the way, he worked on for over 50 years.

For instance, Jefferson didn't just keep financial records, he recorded every tiny little transaction down to the penny. Not because he was careful with money (he spent lavishly and was drowning in debt), but because he was obsessive about tracking it, like if you still had on file the candy bar you bought with pocket change at a convenience store seven years ago. It was a compulsion. One expert says his constant note-taking was such a big part of his life that it "... may have actually contributed to the disastrous legacy of debt ... for it gave Jefferson a sense of control that he didn't know how to exercise."

But it was mostly about the hair.

Brilliant, yes. Able to dress himself appropriately, stop singing, or stop taking notes on every little thing, or function without a live bird shitting all over the place? Apparently not. And if he did all of that today, his doctors probably would have had a name for it.

#2. Elvis Presley Died From Chronic Constipation

The popularly accepted theory on the death of Elvis Presley is that he died as a result of cardiac arrhythmia (aka irregular heartbeat), possibly brought on by drug abuse and a gut-driven instinct to prove bacon and peanut butter were God's medicine.

And we've always presumed it was that last weakness that ate phat Elvis and left fat Elvis in his place. But one doctor (who also happened to be Elvis' personal physician) doesn't think it was necessarily his heart or his appetite that got him in the end.

Think lower. And browner.

The Theory:

Dr. George Nichopoulos thinks Elvis Presley died from chronic constipation. Before you say, "Hey, that sounds like a load of crap," please understand, the doctor makes a pretty hefty, odorous case. According to the doctor, constipation plagued Elvis for most of his "fat" years. In fact, he claims that those weren't even "fat" years. They were more like "holy mother of God, that guy has six months of fecal matter in his colon" years.

"It was really a physiological problem. During the last few years we were going back and comparing pictures, some of them were taken just two weeks apart but he looked like he'd gained 20 pounds when the only difference was that he had a good healthy bowel movement and then lost a lot of weight from that."

"The King needs to fire off a hunk of burning love."

Delicious! An autopsy revealed that his status in the rock community wasn't the only king-sized thing about Elvis. His colon was 5 inches in diameter, a good 2 to 3 inches larger than normal, and it was approximately 8 to 9 feet long. A normal colon is only 4 to 5 feet long. Which was why Nichopoulos was in talks to give the Pelvis a colostomy.

Seeing as how he was sporting a nine-footer, Elvis certainly had colon to spare, but the shame of admitting to poop problems in public was too much to stomach, and the potentially lifesaving surgery never happened. Instead, the man who invented rock and roll (for white people) stuck with a series of more traditional constipation treatments that led to frequent accidents and wardrobe changes on stage. Sad.
"Oh my God, how'd you get it on your scarf?"

For his part, Nichopoulos believes that the King would still be with us today if the procedure had been done.
Oh, hey, now that this article is about poop ...

#1. Hitler's Sadism Came From a Poop Fetish

Alright, we're not going to lie. Things are about to get nasty. Not only are we going to be talking about supreme devil #1, the big one, the grand slam of evil, but we're also going to be talking about the things that came out of his butthole. And why it gave him a boner.

We're so sorry. We really shouldn't have put this in the article. Editors, make sure to just cut this whole part before it runs.


The Theory:

In Freudian psychology, all kids have an "anal stage" of sexual development, around the time they start potty training. Supposedly if something weird happens in that stage that makes a kid fixate on the experience, it can manifest itself later as a sexual fetish. Hitler, for instance, was reportedly one of those people. We know because his girlfriend/niece Geli (you read that right) blabbed all about his feces fetish.

We don't have the stomach to write out the manifestations of this obsession, but it was bad. Real bad. Read up if you want, cowboy. But we're not going there. He was Hitler, and he was obsessed with poop, and that obsession got him aroused. Use your freaking imagination.

He insisted on his photos being taken in brown and white.

Now, here's where things get even weirder, if that's possible. Psychologists have speculated that the fixation came from his mother's harsh methods during potty training. Her abusive tactics apparently instilled in him an obsessive fear of germs and anything dirty (the "forbidden" nature of poop apparently being what turned him on).

Now, when it came to Adolph's feelings about the Jews of Germany, he uses some despicable language that we're obviously not going to repeat here. But you don't have to be a genius psychologist to see this bizarre link that he makes between the Jewish people and all things dirty. His mind not only made this insane connection, it also associated destroying all germs with destroying all "dirty" cultures. The obsession with "cleansing" humanity influenced his politics and made the foundation for his "sadistic character."

"Oh, man up, baby. It'll wash out."

So, to recap, Hitler's mother instills in him a fear of, and obsession with, excrement and dirtiness. This becomes an obsession with germs and cleanliness. Hitler decides the Jews and all non-white races are unclean. And the rest is horrifying, nightmarish history.