Real people are getting into costumes to protect this planet, ladies and gentlemen, and I’m happy to say that it’s my job (for some reason) to find out their secret identities.
For my methods, I’ve tirelessly researched the histories behind 4 popular heroes and crosschecked some facts of their secret identities with well-known facts about public figures to come up with the likely candidates. Brace yourselves, sports fans, because I’m about to blow some of the most successful cover-ups in history wide open.
#4. Captain America
Captain America is one of the most respected heroes in the Marvel Universe. The result of a military program designed to build an army of Super Soldiers, Captain America isn’t so much a superhero as much as he is the strongest, fastest and most powerful human being around operating on levels just slightly higher than those of above average athletes. Fighting bravely in World War II, Steve Rogers’s triumphant success against foreign oppression established him as a beloved American icon.
The Lowdown:The Real Captain America is a confident and powerful symbol of American Superiority with a remarkably strong chin…
Lance ArmstrongNamed “Greatest Fucking Athlete” by every magazine that ranks athletes, Armstrong possesses both the physical strength and the ability to kick ass in foreign countries that Marvel’s Captain America practically bleeds. No, Lance Armstrong isn’t bitchslapping a bunch of Nazis, but he is making a whole lot of French people look stupid year after year after year, (they fucking love biking), which is just as good if not better.
A look at Armstrong’s physical attributes reads like the back of a Captain America Marvel Card, (if Captain America dated Sheryl Crow once). While the average human’s maximal oxygen consumption is between 40 and 50, Armstrong’s is 83.8 and his heart is about 30% larger than the average heart. He also has what Dr. Wikipedia describes as an unusually low lactate level. During intense training in racers, lactic acid builds up and slows a normal human down, but Armstrong’s body for some reason (magic?) doesn’t produce as much lactic acid as your average human. Without getting any more sciencey on anyone’s ass, Armstrong is, long story short, in better physical condition than you could ever dream of being. You might say, he’s performing at levels remarkably higher than those of the above average human. (Or you could skip the subtle innuendo and just say Lance Armstrong is Captain America. Lance Armstrong is Captain America.) And if you think Captain America wouldn’t approve of Lance Armstrong dominating the puny, harmless French well, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, allow me to present Exhibit Go Fuck Yourself:
The defense rests. Bitches.
Arnold Schwarzenegger (Terrific shape, but disqualified for obvious reasons.)
#3. Iron Man
The man under the Iron Man mask is the brilliant and mustachioed Tony Stark, a well-educated weapons designer with a fortune that Forbes puts somewhere in the “metric buttloads.” Stark uses his considerable wealth and highly-developed brain to constantly work on his iron suit, adapting it to fit any situation. While Iron Man is known for his support of justice and his hatred for communism and corporate crimes, Tony Stark is known for his support of drinking and touching hella boobies and his hatred for things that get in the way of either one.
The Lowdown:The Real Iron Man has to be a brilliant and rich womanizer with a successful empire and an impeccable moustache…
Dov CharneyFor those who don’t know, Dov Charney is the super rich, incredibly eccentric founder and CEO of American Apparel. (Granted, he designs clothing instead of missiles, but Marvel was most likely acutely aware of the fact that a comic about a witty, playboy polo-shirt-salesmen just wouldn’t sell.) When you ignore the difference between Stark’s weapons and Charney’s clothing, you’ll see just how staggering the similarities are. Both men are fast-paced entrepreneurs who built their empires from scratch and are notorious for their suave business savvy. Further, while Tony Stark took heat and received praise for refusing to sell weapons to terrorists, Charney received a similarly mixed reaction when he decided to pay his workers fair wages and by refusing to outsource. Two men, two successful businesses despite nontraditional practices, two facial-hair-champions.
Also, the womanizing. Iron Man comics are loaded with evidence of Stark’s shameless, near-constant boning of any woman who crosses his path, and Charney has had five sexual harassment lawsuits launched against him and once masturbated in front of an interviewer for Jane Magazine. It’s safe to assume that if masturbating in front of interviewers was permitted in Marvel Comics, Tony Stark would be the one guilty of it.
Bruce Wayne is a martial arts expert, and, while the exact amount of Wayne’s empire is rarely stated in either comics, movies or shows, a 2002 Forbes article estimates his net worth at $6.3 Billion. What also can’t be ignored is Batman’s trademark lunacy. Sure, he’s got pretty serious toys, but he’s also pretty seriously deranged so we’re looking for someone damaged.
The Lowdown:The Real Batman has to be tough, wealthy and slightly crazy…
Christian BaleOkay, I know what you’re thinking. No, it’s not just because Bale plays Batman on screen, and it’s not just because I happen to have a Texas-sized man-crush on him, (though, if you’re reading this Bale, I think you and I would make excellent friends and we should hang out or whatever). He actually almost didn’t make this list. Sure, he had a lot of the important qualities down- his status as a successful movie star provides him the wealth, he can kick some serious ass, and his well-documented activism is nothing if not reminiscent of Bruce Wayne’s celebrated philanthropy and generosity- but Bale just didn’t seem crazy enough to be Batman.
Until recently, that is. Yesterday, July 22nd, Christian Bale was taken into police custody on allegations that he attacked his sister and 61 year old mother. Now, what kind of man Is crazy enough to attack his own, aging mother? The same kind of man who’s crazy enough to put on little bat ears and beat the piss out of clowns, that’s what kind.
The most popular hero in the Marvel catalogue, your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man can be seen swinging from building to building all throughout New York, (the rest of the world is not under his jurisdiction, which is really handy, because all of the world’s greatest villains focus 100% of their efforts on NYC). He’s short, agile and quick-witted, but he’s still generally hated by the people of New York.
Out of costume, Peter Parker is a whiny, shy, self-deprecating science nerd who generally just wants to be liked. He is, for the most part, awkward around girls but has remarkable luck with one insanely hot redhead, Mary Jane.
The Lowdown:The Real Spider-Man has to be short, awkward and nerdy, but must also have an impossibly impressive track record for redheads way out of his league…
Dennis KucinichFormer presidential hopeful Kucinich’s short stature and his elf-like agility make him the perfect fit for the webbed wall-crawler. Also, have you ever noticed that no one has ever seen Spider-Man and Kucinich in the same room? Beyond that, no one actually knows what Kucinich does or where he goes at night, (though, to be fair, he’s so damn creepy-looking that no one really wants to ask).
His political career featured a strong focus on environmental renewal and clean energy, two causes that any self-respecting man of science would fight for. Further, his inability to carry a single state in the 2004 primary as well as the depressing failure that was his 2008 campaign, (MSNBC disinvited Kucinich from a presidential debate), prove that Kucinich is just as universally disliked as Spider-Man.
Above: A young Kucinich with Bugle employee Robbie Robertson.
Above: A young Kucinich with Bugle employee Robbie Robertson.
Also, there is absolutely no reason for the super fox that is Mrs. Kucinich to marry him apart from super powers. That’s just common sense.
There you have it, folks. I am hereby demanding that Lance Armstrong, Christian Bale, Dov Charney and Dennis Kucinich come out and formally admit their status as costumed superheroes.
Source: 4 Celebrities Who Just Might be Superhero Alter-Egos, Daniel O'Brien, Cracked.