Salvaged: Anti-Ayu - A Bruneian Girl Would Never... (2009)

A Bruneian girl will never be caught...

1. Riding the purple bus.

No ride home? You'd rather aimlessly roam Gadong for hours than be caught dead on a purple bus even though the purple bus serves your area frequently. Heck the bus probably even stops just outside your house.

2. Using the Hallokad phone booth.

Your mobile phone battery just died and there's no one around you know who could lend you their phone. Rather than call for a ride home via the Hallokad phone booth, you'd rather stay the night in Gadong until someone sends out a search party for you.

3. Crossing a commercial main road on foot.

Face it, have you ever seen a Bruneian girl walk across any of the main roads linked to the Kiulap roundabout. Climbing over those metal dividers is just so not ayu.

4. Crossing the main road carrying numerous plastic bags from Jaya hypermart.

You'd rather circle around Gadong 10 times to find a parking spot outside Centrepoint than to park in the usually empty car park in front of the yellow Hua Ho building (at the entrance to Gadong). Walking from Centrepoint to the Hua Ho parking means crossing the main road, past cars (who knows who will recognise you!) with plastic bags! *shocker*

5. Crossing a main road holding an umbrella.

The umbrella is one of the most sensible contraptions invented to shade your pretty skin from the scorching midday sun. Yet, there's hardly any Bruneian girl who puts it to good use. It attracts too much attention bah! Yeh, but so does your ridiculous celebrity shades...

6. Chilling along the road side... munching on keropok magic ring.

7. Driving a Tata/Kijang

You'd rather borrow your grandma's/neighbour's BMW (or take out a huge loan) than be caught dead driving your cheap ass old car.

8. Getting picked up by a Tata/Kijang

You ask your driver (or worse, your parents!) to park in the back alleyway then slide down in your seat when the car approaches the main road. Only to slowly re-emerge when you've exited the vicinity of Gadong.

9. Having a drink at Coffeezone/bean/Chills ALONE

... unless your name is Brian Iman Bothwell.

10. Whistling back at pervy Bruneian males.

"Pssst pssst! dang, dang, baju merah, baju merah... Kim Salam eh!"*

Sounds familiar? HAHAHA. Instead of making it obvious that you're annoyed (somewhere along the lines of saying "Uuurgh! As if!" and rolling your eyes at them), why don't you try whistling back and shut them up with shock-factor. In your sweetest, softest, most ayu voice ever try saying,

"Pheeewit, phewittt, wang, wang, baju biru be-checkered, juburku bedaki, bibitku bekurap, mau biskita garukan???" **

*Hey fine lady in the red ensemble… Send my regards!

**Mister, mister in the blue checkered shirt, I have ass-crack fluff and my vagina has a flee-like itch, do you mind scratching it for me???

It’s funny how wearing revealing clothes, smoking in public, screeching like a pontianak, sipping coffee outside CZ/CB/Chills while the Maghrib Azan is on, and just generally being the loudest bitch in town isn't even considered as anti-ayu behaviour.

Source: Memoirs Of A Poklen.