How To Beat Up Legendary Greek Warrior Achilles

Achilles_2
I can see you snidely shaking your head. So confident in thinking you already have the key to beating Achilles. Well hold on a second mythology buffs and people who enjoy metaphorically indicating their weaknesses to others, the answer isn’t as simple as it seems. Did you just mutter “shoot him in his Achilles’ heel”? (which is coincidentally located in his actual heel) Then congratulations! YOU ARE DEAD. ACHILLES HAS JUST MURDERED YOU TO DEATH.
Happy? Well, luckily for you, I was just making a point. He hasn’t actually killed you. Next time you might not be so fortunate.

As we all know Achilles was a nearly invincible warrior from Greek Mythology, who also starred in that book, The Iliad. He gained his invulnerability after his mother dipped him into the magical river Styx. However, she dipped him by holding him by the heel (that’s a crazy display of grip strength. and keep in mind, this is pre- the invention of stress balls so, yeah, maybe she practiced crushing apples or something) thus his heel did not gain the protective properties of the water.

I’ve always wondered why she didn’t dip him once and then hold the rest of him to dip the heel. Okay, true, maybe then she smudges the river water already on Achilles thus weakening him in two or three spots, but she also gains her own invincible hands! Palms of steel! (A handball phenom?) Wouldn’t that be more valuable? Two almost invincible foes rather than just one with a huge weakness that everyone and their brother knows about? Or maybe she could’ve done a series of dips, over and over, covering every part of him thoroughly. I mean, jeez, this is her son! Her flesh and blood son who she’s trying to turn into the perfect fighter, cant she take some time with it? Hell, they dip a lousy candle more times than that. Oh that’s right, the candle maker takes pride in his work. Can you honestly say the same, Achilles’ mom?

Okay, enough preamble, here’s what you do.

Step One: Find that river Styx.
Step Two: Take yer clothes off and get in that shit.

Get that magic Kevlar water everywhere. Wet your hair, open your mouth and blow some bubbles, swallow some of it. Maybe put some of it in a flask, too. You never know when you might have to make some object the size of a shoebox invincible. It might be fun to make a sandwich invincible. Actually, that would be a nightmare, hanging out with some delicious sandwich you could never eat, taunting you, year after year. A friend stops by “Hey man, can I grab that sandwich in yer fridge?” “You’re certainly welcome to try, Gary, but here’s the thing, it’s a fucking invincible sandwich… So, yeah, in ten minutes when you’re staring back at me with a mouthful of broken teeth we can get some miso soup delivered.”

Step Three: Find and challenge Achilles.

Here’s the problem with targeting the heel. He expects you to go for the heel. He knows it’s coming and he’s totally ready for it. Whether it’s him utilizing a southpaw stance to keep that heel farther away from you, forcing you to come into his danger zone where he’ll be winging that looping right hand, or maybe he just puts on a metal sock, I’m not too sure. But he’s ready, that much I know.

You hit him everywhere but the heel. You ignore the heel. It doesn’t exist. I don’t care if you stumble across him splayed out on a dock like Tom Sawyer - barefoot, wearing overalls and chewing on a shaft of wheat - one leg lazily kicked over the other and that heel just hanging there with a bulls eye painted on it, you ignore it. Jump over that heel and stomp him with both feet, hard on his chest.

The top of the head, stomach, armpits, thigh-region, you pound him with every shot you got. After about an hour of this, he’s gonna slip up, forget about his game plan to protect the heel, and leave it exposed. When he does that, you load up the biggest right hand you’ve got and throw it right at that heel. If nothing happens it means you got confused and punched the wrong one. Quickly regroup and then punch the other heel! He’ll scream and drop to the ground in pain. When he does you follow him down, grab his ankle and deliver the MMA finisher known as the “heel hook.”

Congratulations. You just beat the piss out of one of history’s greatest warriors.