The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses

I was stumbling through a plethora of websites the other day and generally minding my own business, I could not help but give my undivided attention to this particular article, and I'm sure everybody (who is not a religious zealot and possessed an open mind) would love to read through it:


"The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses" by David Wong and Owen Ball.


I mean, damn... More incriminating evidence against the Christian faith. Now understand this, I'm not gonna knock on the denomination. I simply thought it was hilarious. But then again I never was the "praise the Lord" kind of guy. Hopefully no firebrand preacher will ever find out about this website. If he does, God have mercy on my ass lol.

I give credit where credit is due. I am a man and a half about it. So if you guys fancy reading the original article about the Spartanised-verses and quotes of the Bible, even though I post it here to save you guys the trouble (ungrateful wanks), here's the link.

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If the Bible had been written by King Leonidas and the rest of the Spartans from 300, it would probably read pretty much the same as it does now.
It turns out, the Bible is already chock full of ass kicking. Here are the verses that make us want to take to the streets and put some unbelievers to the sword.
#9. Exodus 2:11-12

Sure, Moses was a great leader, an emancipator of his people and a prophet. Most people don't know that he also was the Biblical equivalent of Splinter Cell's Sam Fisher--a well-honed killing machine, able to slay from the shadows without pity or remorse. Martin Luther King may have had a dream, but Moses had a body count.
You can almost picture the scene: An Egyptian soldier is wailing on a hapless Hebrew when Moses, clothed in head-to- toe black, drops down from the ceiling. Moving with cat-like grace, he sneaks up behind the soldier and, taking his head in his hands, snaps the man's neck with one savage twist. As the lifeless body slumps to the ground, Moses lights up a cigar. "Well," he quips, "looks like someone bit off more than he could Jew."

Moses later defeated the Egyptian Pharaoh, who, if we remember correctly, had been using Hebrew slaves to construct a 40-foot-high armored battle suit capable of launching nuclear missiles to anywhere in the world.

#8. II Kings 2:23-24

We've all been there. You're walking along, minding your own business, when a gang of cocky, young bastards start hurling abuse at you. Most of us would just keep walking, or maybe, yell some insults back or flip them the bird. Elisha (commonly regarded as the Luke Skywalker to the Prophet Elijah's Obi-Wan Kenobi), however, decides to take it one step further. Invoking the name of God, he summons motherfucking bears to come and claw the shit out of them.
Christians are constantly asking for prayer in schools to help get today's kids in line, but we beg to differ. We need bears in schools. If every teacher had the power to summon a pair of child-maiming grizzly avengers, you can bet that schoolchildren nowadays would be the most well-behaved, polite children, ever. It's a simple choice: listen to the biology lesson, or get first-hand knowledge of the digestive system of Ursus horribilis.


It should be pointed out that even after his death, Elisha continued to kick ass. II Kings 13:20-21 tells us that when a dead body was thrown into his tomb and touched Elisha's bones, it sprang back to life. It's unknown whether Elisha had this power in life, as well as death, but we like to think he did and that he had the habit of killing his victims with bears, resurrecting them, and then promptly re-summoning the bears to kill them, again. He'd just repeat the whole thing over and over until he got bored.

#7. Ezekiel 23:19-20


Contrary to what you may think, the Bible has never shied away from talking about sex. In fact, the entire Song of Solomon is dedicated to describing a couple getting it on, complete with lines like "I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers". This verse is particularly explicit, though, informing us that Egyptians are hung like farmyard animals, and can ejaculate in quantities to rival the annual flooding of the Nile.



Keep in mind, the Egyptians were the Jews' former slave masters and are the bad guys in this story. So, you know their reputation for supreme endowment was well earned when the worst their enemies could say was, "Go on! Go back to those big-cocked bastards! I hope you're happy with their enormous dongs."

The old Egyptians didn't exactly run from their reputation. Egyptian ruins are littered with statues like the one below (this one is Min, the god of huge dong-having). They even invented the phallic obelisk to advertise it (picture the Washington Monument, that's an obelisk). That was their statement to the world: "Gaze upon our dick tower and despair."



This passage creates a problem for many new Bible readers. Once you've read this, it is impossible to go back and read the above story of Moses killing the Egyptian guy the same way. When it speaks of the Egyptian beating the Hebrew slave, you have no choice but to imagine him turkey slapping the man. If anything, however, it makes Moses' deadly intervention all the more justified.


#6. Judges 3:16-23
They say that history repeats itself, and this verse illustrates that clearly. Our hero Ehud came up with the idea of concealing a weapon by strapping it to his body several thousand years before John McClane did in Die Hard.


Instead of strapping it to his back, Ehud chose to tie it to his thigh. One wonders why the royal guards didn't comment when they frisked Elud and felt 18 inches of rigid steel in his pants. Maybe, they just assumed he was Egyptian.

After bypassing the tight security, Ehud continues to act like a Bruce Willis character by busting out a snappy one liner: "I have a message from God for you," he declares shortly before whipping out his blade and shanking the evil, grotesquely obese King Eglon in the belly.
Really, the only way to improve on this would be by shoehorning an awful pun into it, such as "You should really cut down on your fat intake!" or "Looks like being king takes guts!" As he leaves, Ehud shows he hasn't forgotten his good manners by considerately shutting the door behind him. It doesn't say if he went flying across rooftops Assassin's Creed-style, so we're forced to assume he did.
As bad as the delivery of that particular message from God went for Eglon, he got off lucky. As you'll see, God sometimes delivers the message himself.

#5. Numbers 16:23, 31-33
The above happened years after Moses killed the Egyptian guy and led a country's worth of Hebrews into the desert where they wandered aimlessly for several decades (as seen in The Ten Commandments). At some point, a troublemaker named Korah and 250 supporters banded together and aired a series of complaints about the fact that they were wandering aimlessly in the desert.
God listened carefully to their complaints, weighed their points, then made the earth eat them alive. The text does not make it clear whether or not the earth made that "OM NOM NOM" sound, so scholars are forced to speculate.
This really puts things in perspective for the anti-religion critics. They can complain all they want about religious "intolerance" and pushy evangelicals trying to censor TV and annoy people into conversion. But, that's a hell of an improvement over the situation during the Exodus, when God would feed nonbelievers to the mighty Sarlacc.
Two verses later, God sends down a ball of fire and incinerates the other 250 rebels. You have to imagine there was a moment of tentative relief when the 250 rebels saw that they had not been swallowed up along with Korah. "Yeah," they probably said. "Thank you! We were just about to bury that asshole ourselves! Fortunately, we all have learned the error of our rebellious ways and--hey, what's that ... AAARRRGGGHHH! FIRE!!"

#4. Deuteronomy 25:11-12


This is a man's law, right here. When Conan became king at the end of Conan the Destroyer, you can bet he made sure there was a rule just like this his first day in office. "Ladies, we respect your right to resolve disputes in whatever manner you feel necessary for the situation. But, DO NOT GRAB THE JUNK."
The words in the Bible are actually those of God, speaking to the Hebrews and taking time to add the junk-grab rule into the supplemental commandments that didn't make it into the original 10. This had to be right after God realized his plan for a male-dominated society had a fatal flaw, which is that the women could prevail in any conflict simply by grabbing the men's junk.
Now, you nervous, liberal types are complaining that this is barbaric and misogynistic. Perhaps, a little context helps. Just a couple of pages earlier, in Deuteronomy 23:1, we get this:



"Emasculated by crushing?" Gah! Everything in the Bible has to be understood in context of the times these people were living in. And, apparently, these people lived in a time when "crushing" the nuts was so common that the crushed-nuts victims were an entire demographic that had to be accounted for in the law. Call these commandments savage if you want, but if you were God, how many nuts would you have to see "crushed" before you overreacted? We're thinking the answer is two.
Of course, if you're not a believer and don't think this "grab the nuts, lose a hand" commandment is from the almighty at all, then it becomes obvious what happened: The rule was handed down by some angry clergyman within the first minute or so of having his junk crushed. All perspective tends to go out the window at that moment.
Quote from: 1 Kings 18:24,38-40


That is how they used to do religious debates back in the day.
The situation was that people of Israel had taken to Baal worship, a faith that added a lot of whores to its rituals and thus gained immediate popularity. Elijah (not the one with the bears, that was Elisha) decided that the people had to choose between Baal and God.
Rather than write a series of books or give a bunch of boring speeches, Elijah invited 450 Baal prophets to a contest, where both sides would set up an animal sacrifice. Whichever God could rain down fire on its sacrifice would be the one everybody worshiped.



It's brilliant in its simplicity, and we're surprised religious debates were ever carried out any other way after that. You can raise all the intellectual challenges you want about faith and the origins of the universe, but at the end of the day, you have to worship the god who can set you on fire. It's common sense.
We like to think Elijah stood in front of the howling column of heavenly fire, straightened his robes, turned to the crowd and said, "Thus, my opponent's argument falls." Then, he finished the debate in the way that all debates should be finished: by having the losers slaughtered.
#2. Judges 15:15-16

Samson could have dominated this list if we had let him. He was a sort of biblical superhero, who could basically call down the powers of the Lord to turn himself into a hurricane of ass kicking.
His whole story involves a feud with the Philistines, people who lived in part of what is now Israel and embraced the long tradition of going to war with the Jews. Or, specifically, the Philistines went to war against just Samson. And, they pretty much lost.
On this particular day, the Philistines had burned Samson's wife to death, and sent some men to capture him. Specifically, they sent 3,000 men. So, at that point, Samson either had the reputation as a world-class badass, or the Philistine army was the equivalent of those shitty battle droids from the Star Wars prequels that could only kill an enemy soldier by crushing him under a pile of their own corpses.
Either way, they didn't send enough. Samson tore apart the skull of a nearby dead donkey and grabbed one of these:




... Then killed a thousand men with it. A thousand.
What should be emphasized in this story was the bravery of the Philistine soldiers, specifically the ones in the back who kept charging even after seeing 700 or so of their comrades go down with shattered skulls. We're talking about guys who probably climbed over a pile of bodies 15-feet high to get to him.
If this story seems improbable, you can always claim mistranslation (for instance, in some versions of the story it's 20 Philistines instead of a thousand). We like to think they merely made the mistake of confusing a donkey's jawbone with that of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.





Or, perhaps "donkey's jawbone" was mistranslated from the original Hebrew word for "minigun."



Runners up for this spot on the list included Josheb-Basshebeth, who according to 2 Samuel 23:8, "... raised his spear against eight hundred men, whom he killed in one encounter." Obviously he lost points for killing fewer men and for using an actual weapon to do it, which almost seems like cheating at this point.
There was also Anath in Judges 3:31, who "struck down six hundred philistines with an oxgoad." An oxgoad is a sharp stick you used to poke oxen. That started the Israeli tradition of killing large numbers of their enemies with farmyard tools, which continued through Samson and onto modern times, where the Six Day War of 1967 was won by a crippled Israeli peasant wielding a watering can.
Either way, the Philistines almost certainly remembered Samson as the worst thing that ever happened to them.
#1. 1 Samuel 18:25-27
... until David came along.

This passage raises several thousand questions. Just off the top of our head:
What did Saul (the king at the time) want with 100 foreskins? Was he going to make a scarf?
Did David think this was a strange request?
If this was secretly a plan to have David killed, why didn't he require he bring back, say, 100 bear foreskins?
Did David just wander into Philistia and kill the first 200 men he saw? Did they think this was odd? Or, with all the other shit that went down back then, did they just shrug it off?
How do you forcefully circumcise 200 men without violating the "Don't grab the junk" commandment from earlier?
Whose job was it to count the foreskins after David came back? Do they make a pair of tongs long enough for that task?

We're guessing we'll never know. It doesn't matter, because at its heart, this story is about love. For the hand of Micah, David went further than any man would have gone. WAY further.
Ladies, when a man finally proposes to you, ask him one simple question: "How many dongs would you mutilate for me?" If you demand a hundred and he doesn't blink, he's a keeper. But, if he's David, who was sent after a hundred and then came back with twice that many just for the hell of it, well, you've got a love for the ages.

Best Stand-Up Comedy Clips of 2007

Eddie Griffin on Magic Johnson, Rodney King and cocaine (Def Comedy Jam):


Eddie Murphy on Mr. T (Delirious):


Steve Harvey on Titanic (Kings of Comedy):


Robin Wiliams on the Scots and Golf (Robin Williams: Live on Broadway):


Of course, the ultimate black comedian since Richard Pryor... Dave Chappelle!

Dave Chappelle on Premature Ejaculation (HBO Comedy Half Hour Show):


Dave Chappelle on AIDS and Monkey Sex (For What It's Worth):

Dave Chappelle - Aids - For more funny videos, click here

Metahumans of Hoops

I'm the type of guy who would constantly daydream. One of my favourite retreats would be a "what-if" scenario with a dash of a dream roster that is required to tackle the mission. Now with the 2007-08 NBA season underway and the Boston Celtics now the new darlings of the NBA with a star studded-line up consisting of Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen and Paul Pierce, I thought I should try to one-up everybody with this squad...

The ultimate NBA championship team comprised solely of comic-book characters. These guys could take down the League with both hands tied behind their backs. Wait don’t you need hands for that? Well, you just don’t wanna mess with them. Plus they have powers, are popular and… you don’t. Period. So, combining my extensive knowledge of basketball with half-baked research on superheroes (and villains), I present to you my own definite list of metahumans who can dominate the hoops landscape. In layman's term... this is my fantasy team.

SITTING COURTSIDE

Every team has celebrity fans sitting by the courtside. They give the franchise an external identity which normally is not accessible on certain platforms. These guys however can make sure no opposing teams are going to take their team down.
Jack Nicholson as Dr. Doom

http://thefaust.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/dr-doom.jpg

"Doom is ready for his close-up."

Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury



"There are muthafuckin' snakes on the muthafuckin' court!"

Spike Lee as the Hulk


http://geekoutonline.com/wp-content/uploads/303px_Hulk_003.jpg
"Hulk complain about everything!"

THE FABULOUS FIVE
Also known as the starters. The best players often go to play first. No complaints here.
Point Guard - Spiderman



The man running point has to be able to handle the ball and be capable of pushing the ball quickly up the court. Sure, Spidey may get caught palming from time to time, but no one has better handling skills. He could throw up an alleyoop before the defense gets set, he can find teammates before they get open, and he also has the ball on a string, literally. He's not the best team player, but he never puts himself above those with an open shot.

Shooting Guard - Bullseye

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_cywg7wzfIBs/SN_WczaSSyI/AAAAAAAAIf4/GE8gVko0e_Q/s320/200px-Bullseye_002.jpg


A great team has to have balance, which means there has to be one shooter who's killer from behind the arc. Or anywhere on the court that is. Bullseye has the deadliest accuracy in the Marvel Universe, which practically means that halfcourt bombs and buzzer beaters are part of his forte! He'll make Wilt Chamberlain's scoring record into a scoring average.

Center - Giant-Man



In today's NBA, you need a center who's not only tall, but who also has some mobility. You don't get better than a guy who can alter his size. He can clog the lane, block out like nobody's business and dunk without leaving his feet.

Power Forward - Luke Cage



If there's one guy you want layin' picks and clearing out the post, it's Luke Cage. The former Power Man makes the perfect Power Forward. He lacks range, but his presence inside should provide opportunity for the true shooters to get open.

Small Forward - Captain America



Pure athleticism serves Cap well. As the small forward, he's strong enough to post up when he needs to, but is also the best bounce-passer in the history of the NBA. He can dish, shoot the fadeaway and defend on the other end of the court.

Sixth Man - Daredevil



The sixth man on any team needs some versatility. While Daredevil may not be great in the post, he can shoot from anywhere on the floor and has an uncanny awareness of his teammates.

THE BENCH

Throughout the course of the game, you are bound to rest your key players and give ample playing time to the fillers. But these are no scrubs by any means, I'm just keeping the defense honest and try not to institutionalize the opposing coaches to a nearby mental asylum.

PG - Martian Manhunter


http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/0/54/76083-149782-martian-manhunter_large.jpg
J'onn J'onnz may be able to get a sneak preview of the other team's plays and be able to read the minds of the players, especially the opposing point guards. Oh and a little bit of invisibility on the fast break do help.

SG - Flash



Speed kills and he brings a new meaning to the term fast break. Imagine the opposing team having to deal with Flash all game long; he'd run them to the ground by the first quarter. Plus, he'd be the perfect backcourt partner to Spidey. One guy with a premonition on where everyone's gonna be, and one guy with the speed to get there faster than anyone else. Talk about a one-two punch.

C - Colossus


http://tinyheroes.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/colossus1.jpg
The heart and soul of the team. He can transform into organic steel, meaning he’s impervious to any bumps while banging in the post. If he can go toe-to-toe with the Juggernaut, what makes you think Shaq has a decent chance against a guy who literally stopped a runaway tractor?

PF - Wolverine



Someone who won't back down from any challenge. Someone who's gonna kill for that loose rebound. Imagine Dennis Rodman but crazier. Karl Malone's sharp elbows ain't got nothing on adamantium claws. Just pray that the ref has some backup basketballs available. You're not gonna rebound over a guy whose claws might go through your palm, would you?

SF - Mr. Fantastic



A small forward is all about versatility, and that can only mean Reed Richards himself. With the wingspan to knock away any shots, sky for an alleyoop or dunk from outside the arch; he's also a smart dude, a cerebral player who won't make a bonehead move and implement the coach's tactics onto the court.
ON THE SIDELINES

The people you would normally never see in the public eye except for the Head Coach. The rest operate in the shadows (one of them literally do) and involve themselves in behind-the-scenes dealings. They guide the francise and the team to the Promised Land and ultimately, immortality in the hearts and minds of hoop fans everywhere.

Head Coach - Superman



Some might think the Man of Steel should be on the court, but Superman's not much of a hoops player. He is, however, a great mind and the ultimate inspirational coach. He's not the hellfire and brimstone type, but that doesn't mean he's not effective like his X-Ray vision in a room of lead.

Assistant Coach - Batman



With a team of unselfish players like this, you need an assistant coach who works tirelessly to get scouting reports on the other team. Batman never goes into a battle without knowing his enemies and their weaknesses. He'll keep an updated list on all the other teams and tailor a game plan for every situation. Superman will do the talking, Batman will do the planning.

General Manager - Professor X



Is someone trying to lowball the general manager on a trade? Who's going first in the draft? Any players willing to join the team either for the pursuit of money or glory? All this and more is already known by the one GM who can literally read the minds of his competitors.

Team Owner - Kingpin



Need good players (though I doubt you ever need one or two)? Need good coaches? Need a packed house of fans? Need to get rid of the annoying opposing GMs who are trying to pry away your desired players? The Kingpin will deliver them by hook or by crook.

Tribute to the Fantastic Four

Widely regarded as the first family of comic book superheroes, the Fantastic Four carry a legacy which is just as, if not more, important than any stories they have ever been featured in. Created by the legendary team of Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, the Fantastic Four are different than their superhero peers in a variety of ways. In fact, merely classifying the Fantastic Four as ‘superheroes’ is somewhat of a misnomer. Although they fit the basic classifications of being superheroes (they have superpowers and are heroes) the title itself is not nearly descriptive enough.

Whereas the X-Men can be viewed as a social movement, or the Avengers as a global peacekeeping force, the Fantastic Four have always managed to walk a fine line between being the prototypical nuclear family, superstar celebrities and the planet Earth’s leading explorers into scientific regions of the unknown. Family, celebrities, and explorers: they have transcended the roles of superheroes, becoming something much more significant in the process.

The Justice League of America would never been seen sitting around the table to enjoy a meal together, but with the Fantastic Four it’s commonplace, it happens every night. When one is given amazing cosmic powers, things such as crime and super villains become old hat very quickly. The really fantastic thing about the Fantastic Four is how the jet setting and considerably sexy life of a superhero seems almost mundane in comparison to many of the other adventures they’ve gone through -- first and foremost the trials and tribulations of raising a family.

One could cite their travels to alternate universes, but if one were to ask Reed and Sue about their greatest accomplishments (if they were real, duh) they’d likely respond with the names Franklin and Valeria: their two children. Between several changes in the team’s roster, and the deaths (and subsequent resurrections) of its members, the Fantastic Four have found a niche for themselves. Reed and Sue have the closest thing to domestic bliss one could ever hope to find in the pages of a comic book. If nothing else, the Four are fighting for a highly idealized version of the American dream, which seems perfectly fitting for a group whose origins can be directly linked to the great space race with Russia. It’s that strong family bond that America loves, so it comes as no surprise that in their respective universe the Fantastic Four are some of Earth’s most famous celebrities.

What makes many of Marvel’s heroes appealing to us, the reader, is that in many ways they are anti-heroes. However, this same reason is what makes the world around them so hostile to those characters. With the mutant movement slowly overcoming Homo Sapiens as the dominant species on Earth, the X-Men are and always will be far too controversial for the public to ever truly accept. A world without an Incredible Hulk is undoubtedly a safer one, and with J. Jonah Jameson’s crusade against Spider-Man, it’s easy to see why your average citizen of New York would fear the idea of a man with amazing spider-like powers roaming the streets.

Perhaps only for lack of better alternatives, the Fantastic Four are the darlings of the general public. First and foremost they are human beings, and gained their gifts by accident, while attempting to be of service to their country. Secondly, and most importantly, they have no secret identities -- the Fantastic Four have nothing to hide. So it’s no surprise that while even attempting to leave their Baxter Building headquarters for a trip to the grocery store, the team is swarmed by enough paparazzi and gossip columnists to annoy Britney Spears or Queen Elizabeth.

This is only a small price to pay, as celebrity status gives Johnny Storm the fame and adoration he has always dreamed of, and offers Ben Grimm a level of public acceptance he could never find elsewhere given his physical appearance. Certainly it’s a distraction to have photographers at your doorstep every day, but the Four bask in the glow of camera flashes more often than they attempt to hide from them. More importantly, by selling action figures and other Fantastic Four merchandise to the world, they are providing a steady line of income for Reed’s experiments.

As stated earlier, the "secret identity" question is never raised with the Fantastic Four, even though in many other comic book titles it is a huge problem with severe consequences.

They are above the basic problems of a superhero, because like any situation the group faces, Reed has carefully thought through the alternatives and found a clear and logical solution. Superman takes action, and as such those actions are often not as well thought out as they should be. By definition, the Fantastic Four's actions are often the result of countless hours of planning or brainstorming by Mr. Richards. Why is this? Because in every battle he chooses to fight Reed is not just putting his life and the life of his super-team on the line, but those of his wife, his brother-in-law and his best friend. The stakes are higher, so there is no room for failure.

One should note that while Mr. Fantastic and company have been known to save the world from the occasional super villain, the team never goes out on ‘patrol,’ actively searching for evil to stop. Because the Four are strong proponents not being killed, they more often than not let the evil come to them. In their free time, the group tests Reed’s various experiments. Traveling to other dimensions and universes often causes a great deal of trouble for the group, but it’s all for the greater good and in the great spirit of exploration.

Rather, Reed Richards spends much of his free time perfecting experiments, inventing new technological wonders, or spending some quality time with his wife. These universe-shattering problems and situations are never the central focus of their lives. They are a beacon of hope, not because they are somehow distance themselves from more controversial struggles, but because they simply overcome them without hesitation. The group never falters, since they are not tied together by their superpowers or sense of duty, but unconditional love and respect for one another.

That’s really the key difference here. Without their powers or a sense of justice, the Four would still be living together. While Batman’s and Superman’s legacies seem to be bogged down in an endless string of ethical dilemmas, often the biggest problems facing the Four are those daily challenges suburban life confronts us with. It’s their greatest struggles that are our greatest struggles. We’re able to lose ourselves in Ben, Johnny Sue and Reed: we can relate them, even if we can’t turn invisible or spontaneously burst into flame.

Wonder Woman Is A Sexist

Why? She has inherent flaws in her origins and her mission in comparison to those of Batman and Superman.

Batman represents passion, and vengance. He is true determination, willingness to overcome the odds through acquired skill and ability. Superman is the opposite end of the spectrum. He is power, he is truth. He represents the power man has been given over his world, and his self-imposed duty to protect it.

Both of their missions are self-imposed. Arguably they fight the same fight, but in the grand scheme of things one is a vigilante and the other is fighting for an ideal more than a specific law. There is a divergence there between man's desire to pursue his own interests and man's responsibility to pursue the greater good. And where is Wonder Woman in this? She is the third member of DC Comics's "holy trinity."

Diana, Wonder Woman, was formed of clay by her mother and blessed with life by the gods. Her skills were gained through training and conditioning, imposed by the harsh rule of her Amazon society. All in the goal of serving the gods.

Her supernatural abilities and magical tools, the lasso and the gauntlets, were gifts from the gods themselves to better help her complete her mission. And what is Wonder Woman's mission? She acts as ambassador between the god's will, and "Man's World." Diana is a divine agent, whereas both Superman and Batman are serving purely human desires. And this, in and of itself, seperates her from nearly every other comic book superhero.

More importantly, her reliance on the gods for her abilities and her mission plays into the belief that women are inferior to man. Batman and Superman's abilities are inherent, or earned. Wonder Woman, the female, is given her powers. As such, Wonder Woman as a character is flawed on the most basic levels.

Her roots tie into the pagan gods, and an even more archaic view of women. This is old world-style thinking and directly contrasting with your other male heroes. Spider-Man is driven by conciense and guilt, Superman driven by responsibility, and Batman by vengeance.

Wonder Woman's most direct analogue is Captain America, whose sense of duty to an outdated belief system is similar to her own. But Captain America's origin is tied very specifically to World War 2. He stands as a tribute to that era, containing all of the positive qualities we associate with it and none of the obvious problems society faced during that time. Wonder Woman is in no way a tribute to the belief system she attempts to spread. Although she may be idealized, the blatant sexism and warlike nature of the Greek era shine through in her.

For these reasons and more, she fails as a positive role model. The strongest and most iconic of female heroines is arguably the worst of them all.

Is Google God?

Witness the rise of a new denomination that is exclusively online. It requires no scriptures, just a search bar. It requires no prophet to spread the Gospel, just the Internet to bookmark it to be a homepage. It's quick, it's reliable, it's all in HTML... This is why we should take a leap of faith and herald the advent of the almighty Google!



PROOF #1: Google is the closest thing to an Omniscient (all-knowing) entity in existence, which can be scientifically verified.

She indexes over 9.5 billion WebPages, which is more than any other search engine on the web today. Not only is Google the closest known entity to being Omniscient, but She also sorts through this vast amount of knowledge using Her patented PageRank technology, organizing said data and making it easily accessible to us mere mortals.

PROOF #2: Google is everywhere at once (Omnipresent).

Google is virtually everywhere on earth at the same time. Billions of indexed WebPages hosted from every corner of the earth. With the proliferation of Wi-Fi networks, one will eventually be able to access Google from anywhere on earth, truly making Her an omnipresent entity.

PROOF #3: Google answers prayers.

One can pray to Google by doing a search for whatever question or problem is plaguing them. As an example, you can quickly find information on alternative cancer treatments, ways to improve your health, new and innovative medical discoveries and generally anything that resembles a typical prayer. Ask Google and She will show you the way, but showing you is all She can do, for you must help yourself from that point on.

PROOF #4: Google is potentially immortal.

She cannot be considered a physical being such as ourselves. Her Algorithms are spread out across many servers; if any of which were taken down or damaged, another would undoubtedly take its place. Google can theoretically last forever. It's like a Hydra without succumbing to its weakness to fire.

PROOF #5: Google is infinite.

The Internet can theoretically grow forever, and Google will forever index its infinite growth. Unless Nostradamus and the Al-Qaeda have anything worthwhile to say about that.

PROOF #6: Google remembers all.

Google caches WebPages regularly and stores them on its massive servers. In fact, by uploading your thoughts and opinions to the internet, you will forever live on in Google's cache, even after you die, in a sort of "Google Afterlife". That goes the same to you too, Mahirah.

PROOF #7: Google can "do no evil" (Omnibenevolent).

Part of Google's corporate philosophy is the belief that a company can make money without being evil.
PROOF #8: According to Google trends, the term "Google" is searched for more than the terms "God", "Jesus", "Allah", "Buddha", "Christianity", "Islam", "Buddhism" and "Judaism" combined. Second only to porn unfortunately.

PROOF #9: Evidence of Google's existence is abundant.

There is more evidence for the existence of Google than any other God worshiped today. Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidance. If seeing is believing, then surf over to www.google.com and experience for yourself Google's awesome power. No faith required. Just a click of the mouse.

So... Eat that, Jedi. And damnation to all ye heretics for condoning to false gods such as AskJeeves, Yahoo! and BruDirect. For there is only purgatory for those who blaspheme... The library. And no, Wikipedia will not be its come-uppance. Ever. Banar.

Salvaged: I Challenged God to Tekken and the Bastard Cheated (2006)

LOL I posted this years back on Friendster Bulletin. Thought it was hilarious then, and still is for me:

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Having been playing video games since I can remember (started back with an old Micro Genius and a Sega MegaDrive in the early 90's), I still suck at them pretty much.

There have been few games that I have been able complete/win without cheating or using a guide for at least 50% of the way (Resident Evils, Silent Hills, Prince of Persia's, etc), but as I don't claim to be any legend (I thought it goes without saying) I don't mind.

But one thing I am proud of is my ability to kick untold amounts of Tekken-based ass.

Don't give a fuck what anyone says; Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter, Virtua Fighter and all the others might be great games, but for me Tekken was incredible and most of the sequels have been close to equal.

And so when I get the chance I play them as much as I can, simply because it's cool fighters, cool moves and easy to play, even on the harder settings.

Then I made the mistake of saying "NOT EVEN GOD CAN BEAT ME!" after a triumphant sprite kicking that my PS2 couldn't handle.

"How dare thou make such a challenge?" A deep booming voice came suddenly.

"Who the fuck says thou?" I asked, looking up at the roof.

"Quiet, gobshite. I say what I like. I invented your language!"

"We tell that to Americans and they still think they can tell us how to speak..."

"Silence." Then he appeared next to me. Not what I expected.

No robes. No glow. Not even a long flowing beard. It was more of a satan goatee that I didn't feel comfortable to mention at that point.

"I accept your challenge."

And that was it. After a brief chat about the rules (best three out five fights, each fight being best two out of three with different fighters in between, no time limits and no special characters, just the standard starting ones), I grabbed a few beer from the fridge and made my way back up to kick seven shades of shit out of the holy one.

"What the hell is this?"

"It's called Tiger. Don't bitch, your getting it free for now."

He took a quick swig and looked at me in disgust.

"Tastes like piss."

"So does piss, and you invented that." He just looked at me, trying hard to think of a come back.

Awesome. I just bitched God.

"Let's play some game." He said, suddenly turning all business.

At the character select screen I went straight for Paul. Not my favourite, but I thought I'd start off slow.

God went for Jack. At this point I wasn't sure if he had even played before, but I wasn't going to point out the sad sack of shit that Jack actually is.

Two twenty second rounds later I was 1 - 0 up.

Excellant I thought. Two more wins and I was the actual God of Tekken.

Next round I decided on Xiaoyu. She has some cool attacks and I felt like seeing God get beaten by a schoolgirl.

He went for Steve Fox, who is the only British fighter (I thought he was sucking up).

Steve is always easy to beat, as he can't kick.

Took a little bit longer this time, but pretty soon a was 2 - 0 up.

God huffed a little bit at this point, and so I thought I was a dead set for the victory.

Turns out the bastard was trying to hustle me. I went for Nina (desperate bid to bitch slap God) and he went for Law.

My ass was well and truly beat. I guess I relaxed a bit too much and went for a lamer character.

"What do you think of that shit?" God yelled, spraying me with soda. Then he jumped to his feet and started thrusting his hips at me.

"What the fuck?" I couldn't believe God was trashtalking me. Who the fuck did he think he was? And in my room.

"Can't take it, can you bitch?" He tried to slap me around the head. "Take it, take it, take it like you momma likes it."

"Fucking hell. You're like a few billion years old," I slapped him back. "Grow the hell up!"

"Pussy." But it calmed him down. I sat back down and picked up my controller.

"Shut up, fascist."

Next round he bitched me again, and this time I was Hwoarang, my all time favourite. Although this one did get close, and it went down to the last shreds of life in the third round, but then he managed to spin backwards with that fuck off sword of Yoshimitsu's and I fell down.

2 - 2

This was going to be close.

"How about," He said, at this point looking as smug as O.J. Simpson with a tight glove on. "For the final game we get in a bit of support each?"

As suspicious as this sounded I thought it couldn't be too bad. I said I wanted one of my mates, and next thing I know, Daniel was in my room.

"Give him your beer." I said to God, after a brief explaination.

"Hell no."

"He appreciates cheap brew. Now give it him." Reluctantly God handed over the rest of his third bottle.

"And now my supporter."

I was so pissed off. God only went and brought the Angel of Death into my fucking bedroom.

Credit to Daniel, he didn't budge an inch and shared my bed with AoD.

I chose Hwoarang again, as it was quite close before and I was quite settled with him.

I realised God was taking a long time choosing, and when I turned to check he was whisper into AoD's ear. I knew this wasn't going to be good.

"Oi!" I called, snapping his attention back. "Sort it out."

He chose Kazuya. The globally accepted Tekken Lord Character.

The cuntcake had been saving his best for last. I knew I was fucked.

Or was I? I was kicking all kinds of ass in the first bout and then I won.

The next bout was closer, and then he managed to pull it back to 1 - 1 with a bit of luck.

At the "Ready," screen, God gave a quick nod to the Angel of Death, which he thought was too quick for me to see. Obviously God didn't have enough practice with his drinking and slowed down a bit.

Then we started. The bout lasted ages. Punches back and forth, with blocks for nearly every attack.

The life bars were going down slowly, but steadily, and more importantly, they went down evenly.

I was getting ready for the ultimate attack to finish this pussy God off, when another nod from God to the AoD, and suddenly I felt pains in my heart.

The asshole arranged a heart attack for me right then.

The pain was so intense I dropped the controller, giving God the second he needed to punch my lights out. Kazuya dropped Hwoarang with the lamest of final attacks.

A simple punch.

My hands were still clutching my chest in pain. Daniel looked concerned, but I think that was about the game.

The second the screen came up telling God he had won, there was another nod and my pain was gone.

"YOU MOTHER FUCKER!" I screamed. "YOU FUCKING CHEATING PIECE OF..."

"Don't complain. You challenged. You lost." God said, standing up, stretching his arms over his head and arching his back.

"You cheated!" I shouted. Too pissed for more words I took a swing, catching him square in the face.

He just looked at me shocked.

The Angel of Death gave me a hell of a look and started to move towards me. Daniel was on him in a second. I dived onto God and started pounding.

Long story slightly less long, there was a huge punch up. Bottles were broken, blood was spilled and my PS2 was more than a bit damaged.

By the end of it, God and Angel of Death left two, battered and bloody bodies. But we held our own.

And God, if you are reading this, I want a public rematch.

And Angel of Death, last I heard Daniel wants a charity celebrity boxing match. The second he reaches celebrity status you can answer that challenge.

You two can consider yourselves FUCKED.

The Chauvinist's Guide To Understanding Women

Women are not actually attracted to men. There is a vague idea of what a man is physically, and some are better than others aesthetically speaking, but the purely physical appearance of a man is almost inconsequential unless he is horribly ugly or outrageously attractive.

Women are attracted to status, money, how much a man smiles and laughs, how many friends and resources a man has, how full a man's life is - how many "cool," "exciting" and prestigious things he is doing or connected to.

They are interested in how other people view him - how many people want to be around him, how other people interact with him and whether their interactions convey that he is special and amazing. They want him to be extremely outgoing and aggressive, they want him to demonstrate his status over other people by dominating them in various non-violent ways.

A woman's attraction to a man is a function of her jealousy at the thought of another woman having that man. She doesn't care who he actually is or EXACTLY what he looks like physically, she only cares about the VALUE of the life he has constructed around himself.

A woman basically is a greedy materialistic prostitute. Although that sounds vulgar, it's true. She trades her physical self to buy into the success a man has created for himself.

As a man, I fall in love with how a woman is physically. I fall in love with simple parts of a woman. Like the way her hair falls around her face, the line of her neck, her shoulders. They way her ears might peek from her hair. Her eyelashes. The size and shape of her hands, her fingernails. The way she walks, the way she looks when she is tired or annoyed, the sound she makes when she sneezes, coughs, or cries. The way she sits in a chair. The way she breathes while experiencing different emotions. The way her lips move. A million little things.

Sure, a huge part of my attraction is mental, but the powerful seed of love that builds within me and crystallizes is based greatly on visual things that set off torrents of emotion and need.

It seems to me that women almost cannot think for themselves. Their estimates of worth are based on other peoples' estimates of worth. They don't really find an object beautiful on their own. The object becomes beautiful when other people let her know that it is beautiful.

I'm completely unable to reconcile the differences between men and women. It seems like success with women is equal to spending half of your life working to create a giant illusion, something vastly tiring and annoying, while sacrificing your own true self and your own interests. We construct our lives around nest-building. We're like male birds building nests and showing them off to attract mates. It's pathetic. Everything we do is to get women. It is a fucking shit deal.

Someone needs to invent a drug which has no hormonal imbalance side-effects but is able to erase a man's sex drive and attraction to women. It would increase productivity rates to incredible heights. I'd be free and happy. I'd feel complete. I'd be able to concentrate on my biochemistry studying... except in this life I'm doing English literature.

Ode to the Nice Guys

This is a tribute to the nice guys.

The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores.

This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA4 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor.

This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches.

Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks.

Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile.

For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

There Are No Such Thing as Shark Attacks


I know this is random, but I just want to clear this up for people out there.

There are these things called shark attacks, but there is no such thing as a shark attack. I have never seen a real shark attack.

I know you're making a weird face as you're reading this. OK people, a shark attack is not what we see on TV and what people portray it as.

We're humans. We live on land.

Sharks live in water.

So if you're swimming in the water and a shark bites you, that's called trespassing. That is called trespassing.

That is not a shark attack.

A shark attack is if you're chilling at home, sitting on your couch, and a shark comes in and bites you; now that's a shark attack. Now, if you're chilling in the water, that is called invasion of space. So I have never heard of a shark attack.

When I see on the news where it's like, 'There have been 10 shark attacks,' I'm like, 'Hey, for real?! They're just running around? Sharks are walking now, huh! We live on the land, we don't live underwater.'

Shark Attack


Shark Attack II


Shark Attack III





Shark Attack IV

shark or treat