Salvaged: I Challenged God to Tekken and the Bastard Cheated (2006)

LOL I posted this years back on Friendster Bulletin. Thought it was hilarious then, and still is for me:

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Having been playing video games since I can remember (started back with an old Micro Genius and a Sega MegaDrive in the early 90's), I still suck at them pretty much.

There have been few games that I have been able complete/win without cheating or using a guide for at least 50% of the way (Resident Evils, Silent Hills, Prince of Persia's, etc), but as I don't claim to be any legend (I thought it goes without saying) I don't mind.

But one thing I am proud of is my ability to kick untold amounts of Tekken-based ass.

Don't give a fuck what anyone says; Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter, Virtua Fighter and all the others might be great games, but for me Tekken was incredible and most of the sequels have been close to equal.

And so when I get the chance I play them as much as I can, simply because it's cool fighters, cool moves and easy to play, even on the harder settings.

Then I made the mistake of saying "NOT EVEN GOD CAN BEAT ME!" after a triumphant sprite kicking that my PS2 couldn't handle.

"How dare thou make such a challenge?" A deep booming voice came suddenly.

"Who the fuck says thou?" I asked, looking up at the roof.

"Quiet, gobshite. I say what I like. I invented your language!"

"We tell that to Americans and they still think they can tell us how to speak..."

"Silence." Then he appeared next to me. Not what I expected.

No robes. No glow. Not even a long flowing beard. It was more of a satan goatee that I didn't feel comfortable to mention at that point.

"I accept your challenge."

And that was it. After a brief chat about the rules (best three out five fights, each fight being best two out of three with different fighters in between, no time limits and no special characters, just the standard starting ones), I grabbed a few beer from the fridge and made my way back up to kick seven shades of shit out of the holy one.

"What the hell is this?"

"It's called Tiger. Don't bitch, your getting it free for now."

He took a quick swig and looked at me in disgust.

"Tastes like piss."

"So does piss, and you invented that." He just looked at me, trying hard to think of a come back.

Awesome. I just bitched God.

"Let's play some game." He said, suddenly turning all business.

At the character select screen I went straight for Paul. Not my favourite, but I thought I'd start off slow.

God went for Jack. At this point I wasn't sure if he had even played before, but I wasn't going to point out the sad sack of shit that Jack actually is.

Two twenty second rounds later I was 1 - 0 up.

Excellant I thought. Two more wins and I was the actual God of Tekken.

Next round I decided on Xiaoyu. She has some cool attacks and I felt like seeing God get beaten by a schoolgirl.

He went for Steve Fox, who is the only British fighter (I thought he was sucking up).

Steve is always easy to beat, as he can't kick.

Took a little bit longer this time, but pretty soon a was 2 - 0 up.

God huffed a little bit at this point, and so I thought I was a dead set for the victory.

Turns out the bastard was trying to hustle me. I went for Nina (desperate bid to bitch slap God) and he went for Law.

My ass was well and truly beat. I guess I relaxed a bit too much and went for a lamer character.

"What do you think of that shit?" God yelled, spraying me with soda. Then he jumped to his feet and started thrusting his hips at me.

"What the fuck?" I couldn't believe God was trashtalking me. Who the fuck did he think he was? And in my room.

"Can't take it, can you bitch?" He tried to slap me around the head. "Take it, take it, take it like you momma likes it."

"Fucking hell. You're like a few billion years old," I slapped him back. "Grow the hell up!"

"Pussy." But it calmed him down. I sat back down and picked up my controller.

"Shut up, fascist."

Next round he bitched me again, and this time I was Hwoarang, my all time favourite. Although this one did get close, and it went down to the last shreds of life in the third round, but then he managed to spin backwards with that fuck off sword of Yoshimitsu's and I fell down.

2 - 2

This was going to be close.

"How about," He said, at this point looking as smug as O.J. Simpson with a tight glove on. "For the final game we get in a bit of support each?"

As suspicious as this sounded I thought it couldn't be too bad. I said I wanted one of my mates, and next thing I know, Daniel was in my room.

"Give him your beer." I said to God, after a brief explaination.

"Hell no."

"He appreciates cheap brew. Now give it him." Reluctantly God handed over the rest of his third bottle.

"And now my supporter."

I was so pissed off. God only went and brought the Angel of Death into my fucking bedroom.

Credit to Daniel, he didn't budge an inch and shared my bed with AoD.

I chose Hwoarang again, as it was quite close before and I was quite settled with him.

I realised God was taking a long time choosing, and when I turned to check he was whisper into AoD's ear. I knew this wasn't going to be good.

"Oi!" I called, snapping his attention back. "Sort it out."

He chose Kazuya. The globally accepted Tekken Lord Character.

The cuntcake had been saving his best for last. I knew I was fucked.

Or was I? I was kicking all kinds of ass in the first bout and then I won.

The next bout was closer, and then he managed to pull it back to 1 - 1 with a bit of luck.

At the "Ready," screen, God gave a quick nod to the Angel of Death, which he thought was too quick for me to see. Obviously God didn't have enough practice with his drinking and slowed down a bit.

Then we started. The bout lasted ages. Punches back and forth, with blocks for nearly every attack.

The life bars were going down slowly, but steadily, and more importantly, they went down evenly.

I was getting ready for the ultimate attack to finish this pussy God off, when another nod from God to the AoD, and suddenly I felt pains in my heart.

The asshole arranged a heart attack for me right then.

The pain was so intense I dropped the controller, giving God the second he needed to punch my lights out. Kazuya dropped Hwoarang with the lamest of final attacks.

A simple punch.

My hands were still clutching my chest in pain. Daniel looked concerned, but I think that was about the game.

The second the screen came up telling God he had won, there was another nod and my pain was gone.

"YOU MOTHER FUCKER!" I screamed. "YOU FUCKING CHEATING PIECE OF..."

"Don't complain. You challenged. You lost." God said, standing up, stretching his arms over his head and arching his back.

"You cheated!" I shouted. Too pissed for more words I took a swing, catching him square in the face.

He just looked at me shocked.

The Angel of Death gave me a hell of a look and started to move towards me. Daniel was on him in a second. I dived onto God and started pounding.

Long story slightly less long, there was a huge punch up. Bottles were broken, blood was spilled and my PS2 was more than a bit damaged.

By the end of it, God and Angel of Death left two, battered and bloody bodies. But we held our own.

And God, if you are reading this, I want a public rematch.

And Angel of Death, last I heard Daniel wants a charity celebrity boxing match. The second he reaches celebrity status you can answer that challenge.

You two can consider yourselves FUCKED.